Cap-shunned

Contest #307 of 307, October 24, 2011

2011-11-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "That lady's shoes kind of remind me of Joey."

2. "I still say the sewers are quicker."

3. "Anyone care to join us for lunch?"

Joel's:

"Well, this is my stop. See you later."

"Politicians always promise to drain the swamp, but I can't believe the new mayor actually did."

"Sure, the subway is fast, but an SUV appeals to my reptilian brain."

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think you're wearing a friend of mine on your feet."

Contest #306 of 307, October 17, 2011

2011-11-20T06:29:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "If you do the dishes, I'll dust the crops."

2. "Well, you were right, dear. It does hide that stain in the carpet."

3. "Honey, there's a sale on scarecrows."

Joel's:

"I told my boss I'd be in the field today."

"The paper is predicting robust growth for the third quarter."

"The guys at the plant keep telling me not to take work home with me."

"The real estate agent did not adequately explain the implications of the property being burden by an agricultural easement."

"So when do we get our federal farm aid?"

"Looks like the gardener came today."

Contest #303 of 307, September 26, 2011

2011-11-20T06:22:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "Who has the time anymore? Now it just sits there, gathering dust."

2. "It's been in the family since 1789."

3. "When we drink wines from Spain, we replace it with the rack."

Joel's:
"So, who wants to go first?"

"We're not big on television."

"Most people in Henry's job don't take work home with them, but he's very dedicated."

"The prisoners are through the metal doors to the left of the bar. Help yourself."

"I'm up to my neck in bills. Any ideas?"

"We've cut our household expenses in half. Ask us how."

"This is my last glass of wine. One more and I'll lose my head."

"It's been a tense day. I cut off another driver on the way home from work."

"Ready for our famous chopped salad?"

"The head of our staff is off tonight."

"Monty's a real cut-up, isn't he?"

"And after that, we just couldn't stay in France, so here we are."

CONTEST #302 OF 307, SEPTEMBER 19, 2011

2011-11-20T06:18:00.000-08:00

Winner:
1. "The acoustics were better in the old boardroom."

2. "I'll be rapping my presentation."

3. "Prison made him reassess his priorities."

Joel's:
"Fred's notes are always meticulous."

Contest #301 of 307, September 12, 2011

2011-11-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "Looks like they’re making cuts at the top."

2. "I dare anyone to say we missed a spot."

3. "It seems a bit extreme, but it does keep the zombies away."

Joel's:

"They think they're hot stuff, but I see right through them."

"Well, the new CEO promised more transparency."

"This generation is so much more clear headed than in the old days."

"In most jobs, it's the maintenance staff who are supposed to be invisible."

"Sure, they dress the part, but none of these guys has a head for business."

"I'm still adjusting to being part of the invisible economy."

"There goes the bold new face of American business."

Contest #300 of 307, September 5, 2011

2011-11-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "There is one more thing we could try."

2. "The procedure is completely reversible."

3. "Keep it up."

Joel's:
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about your energy level. It's just the way you're wired."

"Well, Bob, it's perfectly normal for a man your age not to get turned on as often as he used to be, so I wouldn't worry about it."

"I see you've been taking that Viagra I prescribed."

"Unfortunately, this is brain surgery we're talking about. You can't just flip a switch."

"So when you say that your previous doctor turned you off, what do you mean?"

"Yes, your health insurance authorizes switching doctors. Why do you ask?"

"Sorry, Bill, I'm afraid I have to have a medical reason to order another MRI."

"We're going to do a battery of tests."

"Bill, I'm afraid I still can't figure out why your pacemaker stops working when you sleep on your back."

Contest #298 of 307, August 15, 2011

2011-11-20T06:04:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "I trust you know what to do when you get to the plate."

2. "O.K., we learned a lot this game, including you can't rush a soufflé."

3. "First base wants to know if you have anything gluten-free."

Joel's:

Contest #297 of 307, August 8, 2011

2011-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

Winners:

1. "Is it so important that it be a rescue ship?"

2. "Want to play the license-plate game again?"

3. "So I see you went with the grass interior."

Joel's:

"Looks like no swimming today, Bob."

Contest #296 of 296, August 1, 2011

2011-09-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "You know I'll just go straight to your hips."

2. "You’re gonna be huge in this town."

3. "We're sorry about your cat, but he was eating the slower children."

Joel's:
"Call me old fashioned, but I still think the man should pick up the woman."

"Young lady, I do think a longer skirt would be more appropriate."

"Well, then, can I buy you dinner after you destroy the City?"

"May I have your autograph for my teenage daughter? She says you're really big at the moment."

"I'm sorry, Harold. I've grown, and you haven't."

"Your ad did call you a 'BBW who likes to get a little crazy,' but I imagined something different."

Contest #289 of 296, May 30, 2011

2011-09-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. "Part of me thinks you should be seeing a veterinarian."

2. "So you say you're only half the man you used to be?"

3. "Frankly, your life sounds quite wonderful."

Joel's:

"Well, I'm afraid your era is over, so we're going to have to end our session."

"You seem partly hoarse today."

"Jerry, how often do you get this feeling, that you're only half a man?"

"You seem to be operating under a myth, Frank."

Contest #287 of 296, May 16, 2011

2011-09-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

First Place

"It's for you."
Submitted by Debbie Meagher, Clearwater, Fla.

Second Place

"Don't just stand there, Agnes—get the pliers."
Submitted by Dorothy Lefkovits, San Francisco

Third Place

"Hello, I'm calling to report a giant hand in my house."
Submitted by Dan Woods, Akron, Ohio

Joel's:
"I was gonna walk to the game, but Harry is picking me up."

"Seriously, babe, you need to get a grip."

"Madame, please get your hand off of my ass."

"Apparently, in the current economy, it's those of us in the middle class who are really feeling the squeeze."

"No, I'm not happy about it. Where I come from, it's considered rude to grab a guy with your left hand."

2011-09-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Contest #284 of 296, April 25, 2011

2011-09-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Give me a second—I know this one."

2. "I'll have the chicken."

3. "When they all walked in that day, I thought something seemed funny."

Joel's:

"I just don't know. They all look the same to me."

"Yes, Officer, that's the one I drew."

"Gosh, they all look rather sketchy."

"I still can't tell which one it was. Could you draw a moustache on the nun?"

"You're very talented, officer."

"Well sure Officer, I see the one who mugged me, but can you do Michael Jackson?"

"Are you sure there's no way of having them turn to the side, but keeping them three dimensional?"

Contest #281 of 296, April 4, 2011

2011-09-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. "I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

2. "Why don't you just admit it—this is the wrong desert."

3. "Let me know if you spot a divorce lawyer."

Joel's:

"I never seen this parking lot looking so deserted."

"I think the shuttle has come by already."

"It was not just 'one more pair of shoes,' Alice."

"Next time, we're using long-term parking."

"What did I tell you, Alice? This parking lot is packed in the morning, but it's a desert by 5 p.m."

Contest #280 of 296, March 28, 2011

2011-09-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "The governor would like your help with the budget."

2. "After they're shredded, I want them burned at the stake."

3. "They're saying the book is dead. I'd like to be sure."

Joel's:

"We all have to adapt to the new economy, man."

"And if you do cheese, I may have some more work for you on Saturday."

"You do really great work. I'm going to Yelp about you."

"Well, yeah, if you want, but I was really hoping you'd read it first."

2011-09-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Contest #278 of 296

2011-09-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. "Where were you when I drove my car into the lake?"

2. "How 'bout I give you two of these salmon, you walk away, and no one's the wiser?"

3. "I ran out of water, officer."

Joel's:

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Do you know that you have a broken port tail light?"

"I'll let you off with a warning this time, but next time, this vessel had better be a car."

"I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize I was on land."

"Mr. Williams, you might consider investing in GPS."

Contest #277 of 296, March 7, 2011

2011-09-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "It would be so easy to flip this house."

2. "It's available. The other buyers dropped off."

3. "The owners are willing to throw in shock absorbers."

Joel's:

"According to the ad in the paper, the price is fixed, but the location is negotiable."

"It's a nice house, but I'm reluctant to buy, because a lot of market analysts are predicting a big crash."

"The disclosures say it's in a commercial zone, but that could change at some point."

"I guess the new furniture should go on the North side of the house."

"Let's not stay for dinner."

"I think we pick the right neighborhood to sell bibles in."

Contest #276 of 276, February 28, 2011

2011-03-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "I don't want you to be the one that got away."

2. "Relax. The DVR is set. You can catch the game tomorrow."

3. "I don't want to creep you out or anything, but I'm your biggest fan."

Joel's:

"You'll get your blackberry back soon enough, Frank"

"What do you say I take you to the bedroom?"

"Darling, I'm so glad you asked me to tie the knot."

"Don't worry, darling, I'll clear the dishes. You just sit there."

"Gabrielle, I love you but I need my freedom."

Contest #275 of 276, February 14, 2011

2011-03-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. "Swift justice or cold pancakes? It's your call, honey."

2. "Wake up, Harold! You're having another of your delusions of grandeur."

3. "I hate it when you bring work home."

Joel's:

"I thought we had an understanding that there would be no rulings before 9 a.m."

"Oh, sorry. I thought it was that damn raven again."

"Tell me again why you have to pound that hammer every time you talk?"

"Enough with the pounding, Ed. Come to bed."

Contest #274 of 276, February 7, 2011

2011-03-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

First Place

"The guy you're looking for waltzed out of here an hour ago."
Submitted by Ed Ridgley, Phenix City, Ala.

Second Place

"Honest to God, Joe, she's the best bouncer I've ever hired."
Submitted by John Turtz, Larchmont, N.Y.

Third Place

"How is she on the pole?"
Submitted by Paul Brandis, Olympia, Wash.

Joel's:
"When we named this place 'The Ballet Bar,' we had no idea it was a double entendre."

"Here's your white russian, buddy."

"Please tell your ladyfriend we don't have dancing here during the week."

"Sure, I can ask the owner about adding Swan Lake to the jukebox."

Contest #273 of 276, January 31, 2011

2011-03-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

First Place

"I don't mean to be alarmist, but these things usually travel in groups."
Submitted by Elizabeth Baker, Los Angeles, Calif.

Second Place

"It's probably about time to take down the holiday decorations, honey."
Submitted by R. B. Niles, New York, N.Y.

Third Place

"Wanna build a snow tyrannosaurus?"
Submitted by Joseph Costanzo, Staten Island, N.Y.

Joel's:

"Yeah, of course it's unique, Harry. All snowflakes are unique."

"I told you we were in for a big snow storm."

"See, that's why they call it 'climate change' rather than 'global warming.'"

"I'll pass on the snowball fight, man."

Contest #272 of 276, January 24, 2011

2011-03-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

1. "I'm pregnant."

2. "I think we made a wrong turn at puberty."

"The specials are coming out a little greasy."
Submitted by Mitch Wesley, Hamilton, Ohio

Third Place

"I have a request to see how the sausage is made."
Submitted by Walter Giles,Montclair, N.J.

Joel's:
"Please try to be more careful with the rest of them. Some of the people out there are getting carsick."

"Remember, they want this one with less oil."

"I know you guys always do your best, but I thought you might want to know that the customer is a critic at Road and Track."

Contest #263 of 263, November 15, 2010

2010-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "You're such a light sleeper."
2. "Now don't you wish you hadn't done so many helium shots?"

3. "You need to cut your toenails."

Joel's:
"Have you been up all night?"

Contest #259 of 263, October 18, 2010

2010-12-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. "Try honking again."
2. "This is our worst carjacking ever."
3. "A lot of pizzas are going to be free today."

Joel's:
"Slow down. I think I see a cop."

"I've tried public transit, but I like the feeling of freedom I have in a car."

Contest #259 of 263, October 18, 2010

2010-12-11T10:37:00.000-08:00

Winners:
1. Hey, at least it swims like a duck."

2. "We knew that using the sperm bank might be a gamble."

3. "Just wait until you see his wingtips."

Joel's:
"Honey, I love him as much as you do, but he's not a swan, he's really just an ugly duckling."

Contest #255 of 263, September 20, 2010

2010-12-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Finalists:

1. "I gather you both feel you're being manipulated."

2. "You need an agent, not a counsellor."

3. "O.K., now do a tragedy."

Joel's:

"I think you're talking past each other."

"I have to disagree, Larry. I do think you're being manipulative."

"You need to stay together for the children."

"Hold it. Let's stop the finger-pointing."

"Well, you say that your sex life has become dull, but have you tried costumes or props?"

Contest #254 of 254, September 13, 2010

2010-10-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

1. "Yes, I'm alone."

2. "I'm on a satellite phone—how's the reception?"

3. "Never thought I’d say this, but I wish I'd played more Whac-A-Mole as a kid."

Joel's:
"Can you hear me? I think I"m in a dead zone right now."

"Hello, Verizon? Can you tell me what's considered 'roaming'?"

"My new phone was expensive, but it has wi-fi AND sci-fi."

Contest #253 of 254, September 6, 2010

2010-10-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

1. "In the end, Ed, most of us are carried along by our delusions."

2. "You don't have to tell me it's a vanishing breed."

3. "You always have to be an early adopter."

Joel's:

"Good to see you back in the saddle again."

"I told you not to mount the horse from the right side."

"Yeah, I did say that no horse is faster than mine, but that's not what I meant."

"So it's true, Lester. You can't even lead a horse to water."

Contest #247 of 254, July 12, 2010

2010-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

1. "They'd probably be more fun if the barrel had air holes."

2. "The monkeys themselves should come in three to six weeks."

3. "Personally, I think Prozac is a lot easier."

Joel's:

"I don't know, I guess I just expected them to be more fun."

"Technically, these are mostly apes."

"Where's the fun?"

"I mostly want them for comparison."

"Maybe I'll have Koko sign for the delivery."

"I'm a scientist, so they're for business rather than pleasure."

"There was supposed to be a can of worms in the order as well."

Contest #246 of 254, July 5, 2010

2010-10-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

1. "Your father's last wish was for you to succeed him as chairman."

2. "And this is our new incentive plan."

3. "Or we go to Plan B and slip something in his coffee."

Joel's:
"We've replaced all the old lighting with fluorescents, and asked our employees to turn off their computers at the end of the day. Can someone please explain to me why our energy costs keep going up?"
"Motion carries. The bylaws will be amended to reflect the fact that no individual will chair the meeting more than once."

"I will now entertain a motion for the Board to appoint a new executed director."

"Wilson, what did you think of the powerpoint?"

"Well, it's getting late, and we've covered almost everything on the agenda. It's time to vote on whether to adjourn, or execute one of our members."

"Look, I'm sure we all would have preferred to be on a reality TV show where you go home after you're eliminated, but in a market like this one, you take what you can get."

"Congress claims its new financial reform will increase transparency and predictability, but the law threatens to strip away those company practices that make us unique."

"I've assured the authorities that we at BP are fully capable of holding our officers accountable for their mistakes internally."

CONTEST #244 OF 254, JUNE 14, 2010

2010-10-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

FIRST PLACE
"I feel a vibration. Can you call my cell phone again?"

SECOND PLACE
"Cancel my lunch date and get me a six-foot baguette."

THIRD PLACE
"These executive desk toys are becoming a nuisance."

Joel's:
"The croc stops here."

"No time to go out for lunch today. I have to get this off my desk by 5."

"You're telling me this is not an iPad?"

"I guess some of my best ideas when I'm stroking the alligator's belly."

"We're going out for a bite. We'll be back in about an hour."

"If my wife asks, my work with the alligator is strictly business, got it?"

"Would you please print out the schedule of events for Bring Your Alligator to Work Day?"

"Is this the coolest stapler, or what?"

CONTEST #242 OF 254, MAY 31, 2010

2010-10-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

FIRST PLACE
“Now you're embarrassing me, Dad.”
Submitted by Nigel Arscott
El Cerrito, Calif.

SECOND PLACE
“Sharks are biting on gabardine today. Polyester should be O.K.”
Submitted by David McElwain
Boise, Idaho

THIRD PLACE
“I hate the way corporate thinking has taken over surfing, man.”
Submitted by Rob Chafin
Amarillo, Texas

Joel's:
"Around here, they call me the Chairman of the Board."

Contest #239 of 239, May 10, 2010

2010-06-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "These are required, sir. Other people do have to testify after you."

2. "Your Honor, permission to join the witness."

3. "Would this be the article you consider 'optional'?"

Joel's:

"Mr. Fitzpatrick, this isn't the first time you've been in hot water, is it?"

"It seemed like the perfect plan. But you forgot one thing, didn't you?"

Contest #238 of 239, May 3, 2010

2010-06-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Before we got fire, we used to talk to each other."

2. "I told you the matinée wouldn't be crowded."

3. "And I have him booked right through the Iron Age."

Joel's:

"Man, doesn't this beat drawing on the walls?"

"Fire. Definitely my favorite technological innovation so far."

"Once beer is invented, this is gonna be even better."

"Rok hopes that having a cool talent will make people stop calling him a Neanderthal."

"Wait until you see him add a woolly mammoth!"

"It's times like this that I really enjoy being a hunter-gatherer-juggler."

"And folks, if you enjoyed the show, please feel free to show your appreciation by leaving the carcass of a large animal near the fire on your way out."

"That Prometheus guy said he was mostly here to bring us fire, but he'd throw a little something extra in the mix."

Contest #236 of 239, April 19, 2010

2010-06-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. “Did you put 3,250 pounds of 'fresh mackerel' on my credit card?”

2. “Those buckets of fish heads aren't going to take themselves out.”

3. “Dr. Ogden just called to say your mercury levels are on the high side.”

Joel's:

"Don't be flip with me, Harry!"

"I never know when to believe you, Stanley. First, you tell me you're the Eggman. Now . . . "

"Oh, don't give me that crap about how many fish there are in the sea."

Contest #235 of 239, April 12, 2010

2010-06-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "O.K., now we'd like to see No. 4 in the tutu."

2. "These were winnowed down from a group of thirty-seven using DNA testing."

3. "I'm six feet tall if I stand on my toes."

Joel's:

"Now everybody turn to the left. Feet sur les demi-pointes."

"Number 5, please do the splits in the air, and raise your right hand like you're attacking someone with a knife."

"Okay, let's take it from the top, but this time I want to see more passion. We'll keep going until we get it right, people."

Contest #234 of 239, April 5, 2010

2010-06-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "This is the last time I park on this side of town!"

2. "Sorry, boy, but you know how it is with them peel 'n' eat shrimp."

3. "I knew I should have had that alarm installed when I got you."

Joel's:

"Yeah, I know, Sally. You're getting old, girl."

"You spook easy, don't you, girl."

"I guess this is not such a safe neighborhood after all."

"I guess I was in there longer than I thought."

"Ghost town indeed."

"That mysterious fat man really was hungry enough to eat a horse."

Contest #232 of 239, March 22, 2010

2010-06-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. “What makes you think we found your cat story boring?”

2. “Your availability comes off as desperation.”

3. “You don't need to whisper—they're made of wax.”

Joel's:

"I'm thinking of ordering the sconé."

"It beats small talk."

"This is SO embarassing. Sheila and I are wearing the same dress."

"I'm really just here to be seen."

"Sorry, you seem like a nice guy, but since I got Skype I don't really do in-person conversations anymore."

"What do you mean, 'Talk'?"

"I told you nobody drinks coffee anymore."

Contest #231 of 231, March 15, 2010

2010-04-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Her testosterone levels are through the roof."
Doug Loynes, Dublin, Ohio

Second Place

"We were as shocked as you were that you’re a donor match."
Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Third Place

"I'm afraid he's started refusing all conditioners."
Thomas van Geel, Natick, Mass.

Joel's:

"Actually, Nurse, the patient IS out of the woods."

"True, our methods are primitive, but then, so are the patients."

"Not only is your husband going to be all right, but he will evolve too."

"Yes, the chemo does cause hair loss eventually, but you'll need to be patient."

"I'm afraid we couldn't find any hospital slippers that fit him, but he's apparently used to walking around barefoot."

"On the other hand, he's the first patient I've seen who likes the food here."

"Since he came to, all he does is grunt, but I'm not sure whether that's because of the concussion, or because of his primitive evolutionary state."

"A lot of people sent flowers, but he ate most of them."

"It's not just my first time seeing this patient; it's the first confirmed sighting period."

"Unfortunately, his condition is devolving."

Contest #230 of 231, March 8, 2010

2010-04-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "If you think this is annoying, just wait. In a few miles, they switch to binary."

2. "You know, a drive in this old open roadster sure does turn back the clock!"

3. "I heard they're part of a failed Italian space program."

Joel's:

"I have no clue where we are, honey. I told you we should have studied Italian before the trip."

"The tour book says they're the biggest roman numbers in the world, but I think I saw MCMLXXIV in movie credits once."

"I can't wait to see how they do blast-off."

"According to the GPS, V should be coming up soon."

"I guess they must be named after the Superbowls."

Contest #229 of 231, March 1, 2010

2010-04-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. “O.K., counsellor, we heard your argument. Now tell us a story.”

2. “Five to four of us would like you to get the lights on your way out.”

3. “How long have you been standing there?”

Joel's:

"May I please the Court?"

"We were hoping not just to prevail, for an unamorous decision by the Court."

"The Court appears to recognize that this is, in the common parlance, a 'sexy' case."

"The controlling language is found in a footsienote in the Court's decision last year in the Smith case."

"Under the circumstances, the Court should rethink its position on abortion laws."

"I can understand why the Court does not allow these proceedings to be televised."

"Would anyone like a cigarette before I begin?"

"Well, this is not what I would call a conservative majority."

"I urge you to overturn the Court of Appeals."

"My next argument is based on orgy intent."

"This is a seminal case."

"Justice Roberts, I understand why you're call 'The Chief.'"

"Justice Thomas, is this a pubic hair on my microphone?"

"Have all of you seen my briefs?"

"Are you ready for the oral part of my presentation?"

"Under the separation of powers doctrine, there isn't supposed to be any congress in the court."

"I guess I shouldn't bother arguing for abstention."

Contest #228 of 231, February 15, 2010

2010-04-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

First Place:

“So, which one of you varmints is mine?”
Submitted by Mark Esche, Leesburg, Fla.

Second Place

“I reckon that rounding up the usual suspects just ain't what it used to be.”
William Feltus, Colonial Heights, Va.

Third Place

“I've got to stop advertising for posses in the classifieds.”
Submitted by Jonah Parkin,Toronto, Ont.

Joel's:

"There must have been a misunderstanding. I was asking around about a posse, not a possum."

The Especially Wild West.

"Next time, I guess I'll know better than to advertise for a deputy by promising free candy and garbage."

"Well, look what came crawling into town."

Contest #227 of 231, February 8, 2010

2010-04-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

First Place

“I finally got that desk job I’ve been looking at.”
Submitted by Carolyn Thon, San Mateo, Calif.

Second Place

“I am telling you this guy is a micromanager.”
Submitted by Albert Ortega, Chapel Hill, N.C.

Third Place

“The revolution has begun!”
Submitted by Jim Peterson, Petaluma, Calif.

Joel's:

"The job share is going great, actually."

"No, I wouldn't call the dress code 'typical.'"

"Apparently, sleeping with the boss's wife was not as smart a move as Leo thought."

"I need to check the chart in the breakroom, honey. Tomorrow I'm either the CEO, or cleaning the toilets."

Contest #226 of 231, February 1, 2010

2010-04-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "There’s a cure—but it’s light-years away.”

2. “You won't have to drive to this clinic. Just wait in your cornfield.”

3. "I’m going to give you something for your humanity.”

Joel's:
"I'll be honest with you, Jim. Removing your kidney was medically necessary. My eating it was not."

"This is health care reform."

"Take me to your liver."

"I'm going to have to get a specimen."

"Before I can give you a diagnosis, Paul, I'm going to have to run a series of bizarre experiments on you."

"I've scheduled you for a procedure. Insurance won't cover it, but there won't be any charge."

"It hurts when you breathe...what?"

"I could do the surgery myself, but I'm definitely outside your insurance network."

"Why yes, I can tell you how long you have."

"Most of my patients are undocumented aliens, but it's a mix, really."

"Oh, I'm not surprised. We get a lot of new patients through the X-Files."

Contest #225 of 231, January 25, 2010

2010-04-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

First Place

BUY >

“Mom said you were supposed to take me to the game.”
Submitted by Laura Lea Cobb
Starkville, Miss.

Second Place

BUY >

"I don't think you'll be too pleased with your new uniforms, either."
Submitted by Gary Osheroff
Pasadena, Calif.

Third Place

BUY >

“I’m trying to raise money for our squad. Would you like your plane washed?”
Submitted by John Riley
Issaquah, Wash.

Joel's:

"We complained to management that we felt unsupported because of the pension cuts. This was their response."

Contest #224 of 231, January 18, 2010

2010-04-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

First Place

“I say we start the meeting without him.”
Mark Templeman, Richmond, Va.

Second Place

"I'm here to fix the coffee machine."
Submitted by Elana Klein, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Third Place

"You're right. We'll need a second stimulus plan."
Michael Harrington, Seattle, Wash.

Joel's:

"And the advantage of a reception area would be what, exactly?"

"I don't think it's gilding the lily to say that this company is in touch with the community it serves."

"And if you don't like it, John, there are dozens of people waiting to take your place."

"They say it's lonely at the top, but that hasn't really been an issue so far."

"I know it's a cliche, but I'm definitely a people person."

"You and what army?"

"Welcome to the Citibank family, John."

"We have to be more careful about our accounting practices. The regulators are watching us very closely."

"It's lonely at the top."

Contest #223 of 231, January 11, 2010

2010-04-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

First Place
"I liked my old spin class better."
Submitted by Hal Mason, Wellesley, Mass.

Second Place

"Be careful, these machines are self-loading."
Submitted by Jerome O'Brien, Springfield, Va.

Third Place

"We're grad students doing a study on lost socks."
Submitted by David Block, El Cerrito, Calif.

Joel's:

"Would you please wash, dry, and fold a towel for me?"

Contest #222 of 222, January 4, 2010

2010-01-31T06:06:00.000-08:00

First Place

“And what does she have that I don't?”
Submitted by Christo Phillip, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Second Place

“I don't want to hear again about the one that got away.”
Submitted by Jo Minow, Chicago, Ill.

Third Place

"I feel like seafood tonight."
Submitted by Mike Sellers, Newtown, Pa.

Joel's:

"Lois, we've been over this before. I don't care how fantastic the sale was. You don't 'need' another pair of shoes."

"Can I get you some water?"

"Please use a coaster."
Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.

Third Place

"I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement."
Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.

Joel's:

"John, I'm the first to admit how surprised I am, but this new proposal of yours really has legs."

"And no, this is not the first time today that I've need to use the head."

"I did warn you that you were really sticking your neck out at the meeting."

"I'd better see some results, or heads will roll. And I don't have to tell you whose."

"They don't call me the head of this company for nothing."

"Your promotion is good news for you, Danny, but bad news for me. You'll be in the President's office. I'll be getting your ass."

Contest #213 of 222, October 26, 2009

2010-01-31T05:46:00.000-08:00

First Place

"They ignored your first ten. What makes you think you'll do any better with these?"
Submitted by Bob Silverstein, Scarsdale, N.Y.

Second Place

"Dear ... diary ... She's ... finally ... asleep.... Oops."
Submitted by William DiDio, White Plains, N.Y.

Third Place

"It needs a feisty female detective."
Submitted by Lee Neville, Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Joel's:
"The doctor really told you to make two tablets and see him in the morning?"

"After that crap billy pulled this afternoon, how about including something about honoring your mother and father?"

"This is it, Moses. The next time you say 'Oh God!' in bed, it had better be about me."

"And you're going to tell the Israelites that they came from WHO?"

"Well, this is probably the last night before I get to the one about adultery, so you might want to rethink that headache."

Contest #212 of 222, October 19, 2009

2010-01-31T05:43:00.000-08:00

First Place

"What do you mean time's up? I just put another quarter in."
Submitted by Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Second Place

"I think this can all be traced back to my mother ship."
Submitted by Patrick Kelsey, Manheim, Pa.

Third Place

"Can we do therapy for just five more minutes? Please? Please?"
Submitted by Carolyn Smaka, Cranford, N.J.

Joel's:

"I'm sorry but your two minutes are up. We need to close."

"I'm still having dreams of flying."

"I'll bill your insurer, but do you have a quarter for the copay?"

"Sorry, I was spacing out there for a minute."

"My last relationship ended in flames."

"John, you're shaking!"

"I'd like to get Susan's perspective too, but I don't really do couples work."

"Oh, before I forget: they'll be painting my office next week, so I'll be temporarily using space in front of the supermarket."

Contest #210 of 210, October 5, 2009

2009-10-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Brother, can you spare a lime?"

2. "Help the yardless?"

3. "Margaritaville or bust."

Joel's:

"Brother, can you spare a margarita?"

"Brother, can you spare a business class round-trip ticket? Somewhere nice. "

"It's the new city program to keep us off of the sidewalks."

"You woke me up, the least you could do is give me ten bucks."

"White noise helps me fall asleep, and it's pretty white around here."

"Wake me up when the recession's over, okay?"

Contest #209 of 210, September 28, 2009

2009-10-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Don't worry, he's covered by Aflac."

2. “Thank God, Fashion Week is over.”

3. "We all deal with divorce in our own way."

Joel's:

"So this joke walks into a bar..."

"I got another one for you. This one's true."

"The sad part is that Fred's whole life is a joke."

"Well, the sign does say 'No shirt, no shoes, no service,' so you really should give the man a drink."

"Don't look so shocked, Harry. Surely you've heard this one before."

"I was going to tell a joke, but I thought it'd be better if I just let the joke tell itself."

"You think it's supposed to be funny?"

Contest #208 of 210, September 21, 2009

2009-10-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. “American car companies just can't make a decent hybrid.”

2. “This would work out a lot better if we had kids.”

3. “You know, everyone laughed at Noah, too.”

Joel's:

"I told you not to buy the GPS on eBay."

"I'm thinking it was a mistake to but the car on Auto Row."

"It has fantastic fuel economy."

"The dealer was out of the Prius."

"I sure hope it rains."

"This will be way better than taking the bridge."
"You're such a backseat driver."

"I've got a Chrysler as big as a whale, and it's about to set sail."

"This baby can go from 0 nauts to 60 in ten minutes flat."

"And you thought we were up the creek without a paddle."

"I'm getting tired. How about if we switch at the next rest area?"

"Boy am I glad I have a handsfree device for my cell phone."

Contest #207 of 210, September 14, 2009

2009-10-29T05:28:00.000-07:00

First Place

“If it stays that way longer than four hours, you should call your doctor.”
Submitted by Dean Kahn
Bellingham, Wash.

Second Place

"Another nasty hokeypokey injury!"
Submitted by Andrew Sneddon
Ottawa, Ont.

Third Place

“Don’t worry, it gets easier.”
Submitted by Gustav Levine
Tucker, Ga.

Joel's: "Don't trip over the leg fantastic."

Contest #206 of 210, September 7, 2009

2009-10-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

First Place:"You're just like your mother."

Second Place:"So this is how the other half lives."

Third Place: "You look ridiculous."

Joel's:

You saw a creature with my torso and your lower body? Dude, what have you been smoking?"

"Hey baby, wanna find out what you've been missing?"

"Did you see what happened to that poor fly?"

"I'd better shut up before I put your foot in my mouth."

Contest #205 of 210, August 31, 2009

2009-10-29T05:22:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Geez, it's twenty-five to life already."

Second Place

"Well, I really must be staying."

Third Place

"I'd love to come, but you know the old ball and chain."

Joel's:

"Well, we'd better get going before the warden decides to perform a cell extraction."

"About time for us to head out. Thanks for a lovely 24 years."

"We really have to be going, but we'd love to see your collection of inmate manufactured weapons next time."

"If I had known how much fun you guys are, I would have committed armed robbery a long time ago."

"Thanks for dinner, and let me compliment you again on what you've accomplished with a few weeks of wood shop."

"We should be going. What's the best way out of here?"

"We should get going. Any tips on what the parole board likes to hear?"

"Oh, look at the time. Only 98 more years until we're released!"

"Well, I should probably get going. My cellmate threatened to cut my nuts off if I wasn't available for him to sodomize me at 9 p.m."

"Next time, you'll have to come to our cell. We'll play bridge, or maybe throw urine and feces at the guards."

Contest #204 of 210, August 24, 2009

2009-10-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

First Place:

"Now, I know some of you might be thinking, Is this a trap?"--Patrick Kraft,Chicago, Ill.

Second Place

"This is Stan. He works in the lab."
Submitted by Robin Carelse, Hamilton, Ont.

Third Place

"The last of our Swiss bank account."
Submitted by Deb E. Tenney,Honolulu, Hawaii

Joel's:

"And if anyone gets thirsty during the meeting, just suck on that metal straw coming out of the wall, and water will come out."

"I hope you like it. It came from the best trap on the West Side."

"Well, it seems like a comprehensive advertising campaign to me."

"That's where you're wrong, Hugh. What could be a better way to sell a Swiss vacation to America than this?"

"I mean, nobody really like donuts and bagels, do they?"

Contest #200, July 20, 2009

2009-09-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Sir, the competition is here to discuss the merger."

Second Place

"Oh, yeah, we go way back."

Third Place

"He says he is known by many names."

Joel’s:

"Yes, of course he's expecting you. He's omniscient."

"Can I get you a cup of coffee while you're waiting? You like it infernally hot, as I recall."

"You said your name is Satan? Is there a last name?"

"Let me check his appointments. Ah, here you are, in the details."

Contest #199, July 6, 2009

2009-09-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Go ahead, waterboard me."

Second Place

“Well, the menu did say ‘Choose your own lobster.’”

Third Place

“You think Alcatraz can hold me?”

Joel's:

"Put him in the tank until trial."

"I had a feeling this witness would flip."

"Your honor, I'm certain it won't happen again. I've been burned too many times."

"Big Al told me that if I testified, I'd end up swimming with the fishes, so I thought I'd come prepared."

"I remind you that you're under oath. Not under water."

"Your honor, my lawyer told me to wear a suit to court. Beyond that, he wasn't very specific."

Contest #198, June 29, 2009

2009-09-09T06:42:00.000-07:00

First Place

"That’s smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunk.”

Submitted by David Wilkner

Pawtucket, R.I.

Second Place

"The instructions should have mentioned that you need a body of water.”

Submitted by Peter Bleyleben

Chestnut Hill, Mass.

Third Place

"What do you mean you don't remember? Either he sleeps with the fishes or he don't."

Submitted by Tim Wibert

Okemos, Mich.

Joel’s

"Now, you're sure the boss wanted us to throw our skis into the river, and put the stool pigeon on the roof?"

"Look, the literature at the dealer clearly specified a trunk big enough to store a grown man. I just didn't think about the cement bucket."

"Eddie, if you don't like a guy's final request, you're allowed to say no."

"The Turtle Wax is so not going to prevent scratches."

"Next time, can you do your grocery shopping after we dump the body?"

"In addition to the smooth ride, the car also has a state of the art passive restraint system."

"Yeah, it's a nice day, but let's not put the top down."

"When I called shotgun, I really just meant that I wanted to sit in the passenger seat."

Contest #197 June 22, 2009

2009-09-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

First Place

"She's a lover, not a fighter."
Submitted by Robert McLean
Tampa, Fla.

Second Place

“She thinks her bomb bay makes her look fat.”
Submitted by Eric Schares
Portland, Ore.

Third Place

“It's a pretty good aircraft, except that it keeps nagging you to ask for directions.”
Submitted by Adam Pfeffer
Boca Raton, Fla.

Joel's:

"I haven't earned my wings yet."

"Highest heels in the sky, baby!"

"This baby was born for the runway."

"I know it looks good, but the heels always make my back hurt."

"F-21 Stilletto, the sexiest plane in the sky."

"I'd invite you to join me, but you might feel like a first wheel."

"I think they'll accentuate the next leg of my trip."

"They make me look taller in the cockpit."

"It's a long flight. You think maybe I could slip into something a little more comfortable?"

"This is my first plane with retractable standing gear."

"I like them on other planes, but they make this plane taller than I am."

"They give me a little more altitude."

Contest #196, June 8, 2009

2009-09-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

First Place

“O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.”
Submitted by Todd Bearson, Arlington, Mass.

Second Place

“The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”

Third Place

“Relax, for them it's publish and perish."

Joel’s:

"They excelled at most of the experiments, although they all failed the restaurant check splitting exercise."

"They get cancer just like the other mice, but they’re closing in on a cure."

"Somehow, they just look dorkier than the other mice."

"I can't bear to inject them with anything. They just look so much cuter than the other rats."

"Supposedly, they're planning to build a maze for us to navigate."

"They're pretty typical in most ways, although they don't seem to reproduce."

"Sure, they're just lab rats now, but many of them had high-level positions in the FDA during the previous administration."

"Hard to believe, I know, but on the weekend, they really know how to party."

"They're pretty calm right now, but you should see how they respond to Dilbert cartoons."

Contest #194 of 196, May 25, 2009

2009-09-09T06:31:00.001-07:00

First Place

"First, we discuss my percentage of any water you find, real or imagined."
Submitted by Jeff Joseph
Melville, N.Y.

Second Place

"Just so we're straight, this is a billable mirage."
Submitted by Brooks Heintzelman
Wilmington, N.C.

Third Place

"Impressive audition, but we're going with the camel."
Submitted by Benjamin Levy
Palm Springs, Fla.

Joel’s:

"You look like a man who could use life insurance!"

"There's a really good mirage around the bend."

"You didn't happen to notice whether any of the other plane crash victims had compensable injuries, did you?"

"I'm here to see a guy about purchasing a horse with no name."

"I bet on your next trip, you won't get desert and dessert confused!"

"What do you mean, you're Thursday?"

May 18, 2009

2009-06-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

First Place
"Free will is overrated." Submitted by Nahomi
Harkavy, Greensboro, N.C.

Second Place
"This is why I suggested a threesome."
Submitted by Martina O'Boyle
Atlanta, Ga.

Third Place
"This was so much more awkward before
Craigslist."
Submitted by Julie Gautreau
Knoxville, Tenn.

Joel’s:

"I've had a hard day, Edith. Please tell your puppeteer to have you make me a martini."

"John, I love you, but I've been feeling really manipulated in this relationship."

"Oh, John, come on. You know you love the theater."

"I don't care how tired you are. You think it was easy getting dressed up like this?"

"Ralph, doesn't it seem like a million years ago that I answered your ad on Craig's List? I still can't believe your ad said
'no strings attached.'"

"I know you're feeling down, honey, but you just need to pick yourself up and brush off the dust."

"Gloria Steinem was on Oprah today, and I realized that I've got to take control of my own destiny."

"Ralph, I refuse to be seen in public with you unless you wear your toupee to cover your head string."

Contest #192 of 193, May 11, 2009

2009-06-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

First Place
"Both the movie and I will be released this
summer."
Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.

Second Place
"It's my first time on 'Celebrity Parole
Hearing.'"
Submitted by Al Miro, Astoria, N.Y.

Third Place
"This is fancy role-playing for a conjugal visit."

Joel’s:
"We only have about 37 years left; anything you'd like to add?"

"I don't get out much these days either."

"Why don't you tell everybody the story of the time you tried to escape from the set."

"I think we're ready to roll a clip from your latest film, which is set right here,

"We need to cut to a commercial. But don't go anywhere; we won't!"

Contest #190 of 193, April 27, 2009

2009-06-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Winners:
1. “I think the head's in the wrong place."
Submitted by Steve Punch, Danville, Calif.

2. "If we just ignore it, maybe it'll go away."
Submitted by Lance Massey, Ohio

3. "The statue of the lemmings was just too
depressing."
Submitted by Andrew Mann, San Francisco

Joel’s:

"Together, they are a tribute to American foreign policy."

"I'm surprised the mayor thought these statues were the best choices to put in

"Let's get out of here. I think there's a pigeon statue up in the sky somewhere."

"I guess what I stepped on back there must have been from the dog statue."

"Wasn't this one supposed to be a fountain?"

"Why do you think the artist named this one 'The Republican'?"

"Just think how dumb the ostrich will feel when he figures out that he missed

"I could have done without quite this much realistic detail on the ostrich."

Contest #189, April 20, 2009

2009-05-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Gesundheit."
Submitted by Bob Vogel, Portland, Maine

Second Place

"Most people are reassured after three or four."
Barbara Colman, Hopewell Junction, N.Y.

Third Place

"Congratulations—it's a porcupine."
Submitted by Simon Fraser, Philadelphia, Pa.

Joel’s:

"I don't believe in it either. But the placebo effect is terrific."

"Next time, how about if you get the acupuncture and I get the back rub?"

"How was it for you, Amy?"

"I hear you. Stuck qi is a bitch."

"How does my tongue look?"

"You want a piece of this?"

"And as an added bonus, I'm also an M.D. Or used to be, until they noticed how much Demerol was missing."

"Don't worry, I saved a couple for you."

"Do you mind if the needles I use on you are coated with my bodily fluids?"

Contest #188, April 13, 2009

2009-05-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

First Place

"This song goes out to the one that got away."
Submitted by Elisa Narsu, Basking Ridge, N.J.

Second Place

"Any requests before I tell you about tonight's specials?"
Submitted by Brian Shuman, New York, N.Y.

Third Place

"And every year they return to my piano to spawn and die."
Submitted by Frank Bruno, Sacramento, Calif.

Joel’s:

"I used to play guitar, but they needed more room."

"Get out your umbrellas, folks, this next one's a rocker."

"Close your eyes, and try to filet the music in your sole."

"If the music sounds a little funny, it's because the piano's out of tuna."

Contest #187 of 189, April 6, 2009

2009-05-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

First Place

"Trust me—you don't want this. It's filled with mortgage-backed securities."
Submitted by Francesca DelGuidice
New York, N.Y.

Second Place

"Haven't you got some white-collar criminals to attend to?"
Submitted by James Bell, Charlottesville, Va.

Third Place

"That skirt is so last year."
Submitted by Kate Rounds, Jersey City, N.J.

Joel's:

"Is this about me not writing thank you notes after my bar mitzvah?"

"Oh, hey, can you hold off until I get this money back to my apartment?"

"Hey, guy, can you give me a hand with this? It's really heavy."

"I thought I told the teller I didn't want any drama."

"Man, wouldn't that be a great costume for my next heist!"

"Let me guess. You're gonna smite me."

Contest #186 of 189, March 30, 2009

2009-05-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

Winners:
First Place
"And Commandments Eleven to Twenty are the same as One to Ten, just with tofu instead of meat."

Second Place
"Read quickly. These are really heavy."

Third Place
"And for you goats—thou shalt not marry a dragon or an ox."

JOEL’S:
"If you though that Red Sea business was incredible, wait until you taste the Salt and Pepper Shrimp!"

"Oh, and the Big Guy says not to worry about MSG headaches."

"I don't suppose any of you read Chinese?"

"Zagat says this is the best deity in the whole desert."

"It would have been something fancier, but, well, after that whole golden calf thing, it was the best I could do for you."

Contest #184, March 16, 2009

2009-04-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Beat it, buddy. We're out of chalk."

2. "So what makes you think we need a health inspector?"

3. "Seven men walked into a bar and died. What's it to ya?"

Joel's:

"Come on in! The bar's been pretty dead tonight."

"You're a little, late, detective."

"Fred, you missed the stand-up comic we had in here tonight. He killed."

"Welcome back, Harry. This time, would you please just drink your beer, and not shoot all the other customers?"

Hey, Clark, seems like you're never around when Superman kills all the villains."

"Damn. I was hoping you were another robber. I feel like I'm just getting warmed up."

"Welcome, stranger. We don't have video games, but I like to think things are exciting around here."

Contest #183, March 9, 2009

2009-04-19T08:27:00.001-07:00

Winners:

1. "Well, at least he made curfew."

2. "We should tell the G.P.S. people that they changed the off-ramp."

3. "I thought our sex life was a train wreck."

Joel's:

"That's it. No more talking on the cell phone in bed."

"Now this is why I wanted the bed with side air bags. But somebody was too cheap."

"You made fun of me when I told you I felt unsafe in a futon. But this is why."

"Harry, you know and I know we were not moving when it happened. But do you really think the police will believe it?"

"I wonder whether the insurance company will total the bed this time."

"Let's get out of here before they can identify us!"

Contest #182 of 184, March 2, 2009

2009-04-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Yes, Officer, they say he was about six feet four, with pointy ears and abnormally short arms."

2. "I wasn't laid off—I just decided to pursue other interests."

3. "Hello, YouTube? I've got something you might be interested in."

Joel's:

"Do you have any others? I really need cats that can work trapeze."

"Once i was able to herd them, the rest was easy."

" Sure, it's possible we'll succeed, but the cats are stacked against us"

"They're definitely indoor cats."

"Well, I'll get the dog, but are you sure he can balance on top?"

"No, they won't walk on a leash. Does that really make them untrainable?"

"Hey Lois, you know that new catnip I bought the other day?"

"I was going to get rid of them because of my allergies, but they really seem to want to stay."

Contest #180 of 181, February 9, 2009

2009-04-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

Winners:

1. "Here's to Little Miss 'Don't You Touch My Hat.'"

2. "I didn't expect to gain weight on this cruise."

3. "She should have told us the fruit was real."

Joel's:

"I forgot to ask whether the fruit is certified organic. Guess it's too late now."

"There's a worm in my apple. Gross!"

"To be frank, after a meal like that, I don't think a worm in my apple would bother me."

"You can have both bananas. I've been reading about banana production lately, and I'm just not comfortable eating them anymore."

"Boy, am I glad she drew the short straw. It made for a nice balanced meal."

“Wow, first class entertainment followed by fine dining. I would definitely recommend this cruise to others."

Contest #181 of 184, February 23, 2009

2009-04-19T08:13:00.001-07:00

Winners:

1. "Tell me you kept the box and receipt."

2. "Typical client—wants a damn Parthenon on a Stonehenge budget."

3. "Dude, Athena's gonna be pissed."

Joel’s:

"You should see the size of the jacuzzi tub that's going in the master bathroom!"

"I was planning to flip it immediately, but I think I'll wait until the economy picks up."

"I hate modern architecture too, but hey, it pays the bills."

"The financing ran out, so I think we're going to have to stop here and just live with it as-is."

"You don't see a lot of remodels like this in the current economy."

"Sure, the owners are impatient, but I keep telling them that Rome won't be built in a day."

"If we get an INS inspection, we're really in trouble."

"Sure, it doesn't look like much, but I think it will be quite livable."

"It originally had an additional story, but the bank wouldn't approve the loan, so we scaled it down."

Contest #179 of 181, February 2, 2009

2009-04-19T08:09:00.001-07:00

First Place

"Until I recover, let's just assume your prostate is fine."

Submitted by Jeff Goodman, Burnsville, N.C.

Second Place

"So a doctor walks into a bar—this is not a joke, by the way."

Submitted by James Allen, Lambertville, N.J.

Third Place

"Sorry, we're out of medical supplies."

Submitted by Christina Rodriguez, San Diego, Calif.

Joel’s:

"Actually, I've stopped checking patients' reflexes."

"Oh, I don't have any actual injuries. My partner and I just like to practice bandaging each other."

"I'll take two aspirin, and call you in the morning."

"Oh, don't mind the bandages. It's all psychosomatic."

"Why don't you want to proceed with the surgery, Mr. Wilson?"

"But enough about me. Was there anything you wanted to talk about, Barry?"

"Put the stethoscope to your chest, and tell me what you hear."

"Actually, do you mind if I sit on the table today?"

"Got a cigarette, John?"

Contest #178 of 178, January 26, 2009

2009-02-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

Joel's

"A round for the house, bartender, and charge it to my debt to society."

"Another, please. I'm not driving."

"I guess we're both used to life behind bars."

"The web site said there'd be karaoke tonight."

First Place

"Most men drink to escape. I escape to drink."
Submitted by Douglas Buck
Flint, Mich.

Second Place

"If anybody calls, I'm not here."
Submitted by Iver Peterson
Lawrenceville, N.J.

Third Place

"I'd kill for some peanuts."
Submitted by Adam Cooper
Los Angeles, Calif.

Contest #177 of 178, January 19, 2009

2009-02-26T18:07:00.000-08:00

Joel's:

"Gentleman, surely I don't have to remind you that under the Geneva Convention, my client has a right to cement golashes that match."

"We were going to waterboard you, but now that the Administration has prohibited that technique, we're just going to throw you in the river."

"Sorry, we didn't have any matching buckets lying around the warehouse. If it bothers you, we can stop by the hardware store on the way to the pier."

"Next time, fellas, call me sooner if you have a problem. My son is going to throw a fit when he finds out his sand pail is missing."

First Place

"It's sloppy work like that that gives the mob a bad name."
Submitted by Gordon Baumbacher
Kentfield, Calif.

Second Place

"We are trying to reduce our concrete footprint."
Submitted by Tim Wilcox
Miwaukee, Wis.

Third Place

"Two weeks ago, this was not considered torture."
Submitted by Avery Clapsaddle
Neche, N.D.

Contest #176 of 176, January 12, 2009

2009-02-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Joel's:

"Order in the court."

"Counsel, that's not the kind of motion we like to entertain in this courtroom."

"Damn, I've been overturned on appeal again."

"On second thought, I will grant bail. Defendant is released on his own recognizance."

"I think I'm going to deny counsel's request to call The Hulk back to the witness stand for further questioning."

First Place

"For a divorce case, that went smoothly."
Submitted by Ann Seger
Chicago, Ill.

Second Place

"Sorry about that—new gavel."
Submitted by Tommy Bryant
Cochran, Ga.

Third Place

"This is what I get for convicting the janitor."
Submitted by Sita Chandrika Palepu
New York, N.Y.

Contest #175 of 176, January 5, 2009

2009-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

Joel's:

"This is Fred. Fred is prepared."

"I fell off of Mount Rushmore."

"The sculptors were getting worried you guys were pushing down consumer confidence."

"Sorry to tell you this, but you guys were so ugly that after they made you, they broke the mold."

"Hey guys, why the long faces?"

"The young ones are so round and cuddly, aren't they?"

"Looks like Bertha finally laid that egg."

"He looks like the statute that ate the canary."

"Sure these foreign imports are getting better, but they're still pretty easy to spot."

Contest #171 of 172, December 1, 2008

2009-01-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Joel's:

“How many singular sensations would you like?”

“They’re kosher. The men are in another section.”

“I’d like to have her legs.”

“No, you can’t buy just the thighs.”

“They didn’t practice.”

“I butchered the last number, too.”

“Don’t feel bad. It’s never easy for the girl, but getting cut is part of the business.”

“My husband Hannibal will just LOVE these!”

First Place

BUY >

"I'd suggest you keep them away from the gingerbread men."
Submitted by Vincent Coca
Staten Island, N.Y.

Second Place

BUY >

"It's not disturbing until someone wants to buy them by the ounce."
Submitted by Steve Arrowood
Oceanside, Calif.

Third Place

BUY >

"I did the choreography myself."
Submitted by Donovan Reeve
Ypsilanti, Mich.

Contest #170 of 172, November 24, 2008

2009-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Joel's:

"It's for Bill's retirement party this evening. I heard there's going to be a roast."

"Mine's decap."

"I tend to keep my mouth shut in the weekly meetings. Last week, Charlie said the sky was falling, and look what happened to him."

"My supervisor gives me free range to run the program."

"I liked it better when there was a box of doughnuts on the table."

"Last year, I gave my secretary flowers for her birthday, but she complained they weren't very practical."

"Where can I read our office sexual harassment policy? I've been getting a lot of comments about breasts and thighs."

First Place

"I'm thinking of asking for more water just to see what would happen."

BUY >

"After seven hundred billion for the nobles, it was the least we could do."
Submitted by Rich Brown
Tampa, Fla.

Third Place

BUY >

"Things haven't been the same since we began electing our kings."
Submitted by Jay Mackro
San Juan Capistrano, Calif.