Contest #178 of 178, January 26, 2009

Joel's "A round for the house, bartender, and charge it to my debt to society." "Another, please. I'm not driving." "I guess we're both used to life behind bars." "The web site said there'd be karaoke tonight."

First Place "Most men drink to escape. I escape to drink." Submitted by Douglas Buck Flint, Mich. Second Place "If anybody calls, I'm not here." Submitted by Iver Peterson Lawrenceville, N.J. Third Place "I'd kill for some peanuts." Submitted by Adam Cooper Los Angeles, Calif.

Contest #177 of 178, January 19, 2009

Joel's: "Gentleman, surely I don't have to remind you that under the Geneva Convention, my client has a right to cement golashes that match." "We were going to waterboard you, but now that the Administration has prohibited that technique, we're just going to throw you in the river." "Sorry, we didn't have any matching buckets lying around the warehouse. If it bothers you, we can stop by the hardware store on the way to the pier." "Next time, fellas, call me sooner if you have a problem. My son is going to throw a fit when he finds out his sand pail is missing."

First Place "It's sloppy work like that that gives the mob a bad name." Submitted by Gordon Baumbacher Kentfield, Calif. Second Place "We are trying to reduce our concrete footprint." Submitted by Tim Wilcox Miwaukee, Wis. Third Place "Two weeks ago, this was not considered torture." Submitted by Avery Clapsaddle Neche, N.D.

Contest #176 of 176, January 12, 2009

Joel's: "Order in the court." "Counsel, that's not the kind of motion we like to entertain in this courtroom." "Damn, I've been overturned on appeal again." "On second thought, I will grant bail. Defendant is released on his own recognizance." "I think I'm going to deny counsel's request to call The Hulk back to the witness stand for further questioning."

First Place "For a divorce case, that went smoothly." Submitted by Ann Seger Chicago, Ill. Second Place "Sorry about that—new gavel." Submitted by Tommy Bryant Cochran, Ga. Third Place "This is what I get for convicting the janitor." Submitted by Sita Chandrika Palepu New York, N.Y.

Contest #175 of 176, January 5, 2009

Joel's: "This is Fred. Fred is prepared." "Fred was just telling me that there are some real bargains at the mall right now." "Hey Jeff: you need any protection from pirates?"

First Place BUY > "In this economy, you have to let the vacation come to you." Submitted by Michael Soskis Cambridge, Mass. Second Place BUY > "He has recreational A.D.D." Submitted by Mark Kane Bayside, N.Y. Third Place BUY > "He's pretty much up for anything." Submitted by Kevin Kozee Marietta, Ga.