Contest #231 of 231, March 15, 2010

First Place

"Her testosterone levels are through the roof." Doug Loynes, Dublin, Ohio

Second Place "We were as shocked as you were that you’re a donor match." Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Third Place "I'm afraid he's started refusing all conditioners." Thomas van Geel, Natick, Mass.

Joel's:

"Actually, Nurse, the patient IS out of the woods."

"True, our methods are primitive, but then, so are the patients."

"Not only is your husband going to be all right, but he will evolve too."

"Yes, the chemo does cause hair loss eventually, but you'll need to be patient."

"I'm afraid we couldn't find any hospital slippers that fit him, but he's apparently used to walking around barefoot."

"On the other hand, he's the first patient I've seen who likes the food here."

"Since he came to, all he does is grunt, but I'm not sure whether that's because of the concussion, or because of his primitive evolutionary state."

"A lot of people sent flowers, but he ate most of them."

"It's not just my first time seeing this patient; it's the first confirmed sighting period."

"Unfortunately, his condition is devolving."

Contest #230 of 231, March 8, 2010

Winners:

1. "If you think this is annoying, just wait. In a few miles, they switch to binary."

2. "You know, a drive in this old open roadster sure does turn back the clock!"

3. "I heard they're part of a failed Italian space program." 



Joel's:


"I have no clue where we are, honey.  I told you we should have studied Italian before the trip."

"The tour book says they're the biggest roman numbers in the world, but I think I saw MCMLXXIV in movie credits once."

"I can't wait to see how they do blast-off."

"According to the GPS, V should be coming up soon."

"I guess they must be named after the Superbowls."

Contest #229 of 231, March 1, 2010

Winners:

1. “O.K., counsellor, we heard your argument. Now tell us a story.”

2. “Five to four of us would like you to get the lights on your way out.”

3. “How long have you been standing there?” 




 

Joel's:

"May I please the Court?"

"We were hoping not just to prevail, for an unamorous decision by the Court."

"The Court appears to recognize that this is, in the common parlance, a 'sexy' case."

"The controlling language is found in a footsienote in the Court's decision last year in the Smith case."

"Under the circumstances, the Court should rethink its position on abortion laws."

"I can understand why the Court does not allow these proceedings to be televised."

"Would anyone like a cigarette before I begin?"

"Well, this is not what I would call a conservative majority."

"I urge you to overturn the Court of Appeals."

"My next argument is based on orgy intent."

"This is a seminal case."

"Justice Roberts, I understand why you're call 'The Chief.'"

"Justice Thomas, is this a pubic hair on my microphone?"

"Have all of you seen my briefs?"

"Are you ready for the oral part of my presentation?"

"Under the separation of powers doctrine, there isn't supposed to be any congress in the court."

"I guess I shouldn't bother arguing for abstention."

Contest #228 of 231, February 15, 2010

First Place:

“So, which one of you varmints is mine?” Submitted by Mark Esche, Leesburg, Fla.

Second Place “I reckon that rounding up the usual suspects just ain't what it used to be.” William Feltus, Colonial Heights, Va.

Third Place “I've got to stop advertising for posses in the classifieds.” Submitted by Jonah Parkin,Toronto, Ont.

Joel's:


"There must have been a misunderstanding.  I was asking around about a posse, not a possum."

The Especially Wild West.

"Next time, I guess I'll know better than to advertise for a deputy by promising free candy and garbage."

"Well, look what came crawling into town."

Contest #227 of 231, February 8, 2010

First Place “I finally got that desk job I’ve been looking at.” Submitted by Carolyn Thon, San Mateo, Calif.

Second Place “I am telling you this guy is a micromanager.” Submitted by Albert Ortega, Chapel Hill, N.C.

Third Place “The revolution has begun!” Submitted by Jim Peterson, Petaluma, Calif.

Joel's:

"The job share is going great, actually."

"No, I wouldn't call the dress code 'typical.'"

"Apparently, sleeping with the boss's wife was not as smart a move as Leo thought."

"I need to check the chart in the breakroom, honey.  Tomorrow I'm either the CEO, or cleaning the toilets."

Contest #226 of 231, February 1, 2010

Winners:

1. "There’s a cure—but it’s light-years away.”

2.  “You won't have to drive to this clinic. Just wait in your cornfield.”

3.  "I’m going to give you something for your humanity.”

Joel's:
"I'll be honest with you, Jim.  Removing your kidney was medically necessary.  My eating it was not."

"This is health care reform."

"Take me to your liver."

"I'm going to have to get a specimen."

"Before I can give you a diagnosis, Paul, I'm going to have to run a series of bizarre experiments on you."

"I've scheduled you for a procedure.  Insurance won't cover it, but there won't be any charge."

"It hurts when you breathe...what?"

"I could do the surgery myself, but I'm definitely outside your insurance network."

"Why yes, I can tell you how long you have."

"Most of my patients are undocumented aliens, but it's a mix, really."

"Oh, I'm not surprised.  We get a lot of new patients through the X-Files."

Contest #225 of 231, January 25, 2010

First Place BUY > “Mom said you were supposed to take me to the game.” Submitted by Laura Lea Cobb Starkville, Miss.

Second Place BUY > "I don't think you'll be too pleased with your new uniforms, either." Submitted by Gary Osheroff Pasadena, Calif.

Third Place BUY > “I’m trying to raise money for our squad. Would you like your plane washed?” Submitted by John Riley Issaquah, Wash.

Joel's: "We complained to management that we felt unsupported because of the pension cuts.  This was their response."

Contest #224 of 231, January 18, 2010

First Place

“I say we start the meeting without him.” Mark Templeman, Richmond, Va.

Second Place "I'm here to fix the coffee machine." Submitted by Elana Klein, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Third Place "You're right. We'll need a second stimulus plan." Michael Harrington, Seattle, Wash.

Joel's:

"And the advantage of a reception area would be what, exactly?"

"I don't think it's gilding the lily to say that this company is in touch with the community it serves."

"And if you don't like it, John, there are dozens of people waiting to take your place."

"They say it's lonely at the top, but that hasn't really been an issue so far."

"I know it's a cliche, but I'm definitely a people person."

"You and what army?"

"Welcome to the Citibank family, John."

"We have to be more careful about our accounting practices.  The regulators are watching us very closely."


"It's lonely at the top."

Contest #223 of 231, January 11, 2010

First Place "I liked my old spin class better." Submitted by Hal Mason, Wellesley, Mass.

Second Place "Be careful, these machines are self-loading." Submitted by Jerome O'Brien, Springfield, Va.

Third Place "We're grad students doing a study on lost socks." Submitted by David Block, El Cerrito, Calif.

Joel's:

"Would you please wash, dry, and fold a towel for me?"