Contest #222 of 222, January 4, 2010

First Place “And what does she have that I don't?” Submitted by Christo Phillip, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Second Place “I don't want to hear again about the one that got away.” Submitted by Jo Minow, Chicago, Ill.

Third Place "I feel like seafood tonight." Submitted by Mike Sellers, Newtown, Pa.

Joel's:

"Lois, we've been over this before.  I don't care how fantastic the sale was.  You don't 'need' another pair of shoes."

 

"Can I get you some water?"

 

"I really like your new haircut, dear.  You should keep it short like that."

 

"Clean it up yourself, Brad.  I'm not a maid.  Well, technically I am."

 

"Good news about my job search, Harry.  There's a Hooters opening up at Marine World."

 

"You know the drill, Harry.  If you want to get lucky tonight, you're really going to have to kiss me first."

Contest #221 of 222, December 21, 2009

First Place “Let Table Seven know that there will be a slight delay on the risotto.”  by Teresa Palomar, Baltimore, Md.

Second Place “There's always room for cello.” James Ninivaggi, Ridgefield, Conn.

Third Place “This is why I don't need cable TV.” Submitted by Jamie Picon Methuen, Mass.

Joel's


"It's a bad time to be in the restaurant business."

"We're downsizing."

"I'm not looking forward to going back out to the tables.  It's crazy out there."

"Business is slow, so they're putting on a production of Verdi's Il Venditore dei Pesci."

"I told the boss it was a mistake to hire only one naked cellist."

Contest #215 of 222, November 9, 2009

First Place "And, in this corner, also hailing from Chernobyl..." Submitted by Tim Herbert, Plainfield, N.H.

Second Place "Very funny. Now give me the microphone." Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.

Third Place "But, first, a word on foot odor." Submitted by Mike Egan, Syracuse, N.Y.

Joel's:

"And I don't want to see anything above the belt."

"And in this corner, weighing in at 300 pounds,we have his other foot." 

Contest #214 of 222, November 2, 2009

First Place "I'm afraid we need to make more cuts." Submitted by David Kessler, New York, N.Y.

Second Place "Please use a coaster." Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.

Third Place "I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement." Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.

Joel's:

"John, I'm the first to admit how surprised I am, but this new proposal of yours really has legs."

"And no, this is not the first time today that I've need to use the head."

"I did warn you that you were really sticking your neck out at the meeting."

"I'd better see some results, or heads will roll.  And I don't have to tell you whose."

"They don't call me the head of this company for nothing."

"Your promotion is good news for you, Danny, but bad news for me.  You'll be in the President's office.  I'll be getting your ass."

Contest #213 of 222, October 26, 2009

First Place "They ignored your first ten. What makes you think you'll do any better with these?" Submitted by Bob Silverstein, Scarsdale, N.Y.

Second Place "Dear ... diary ... She's ... finally ... asleep.... Oops." Submitted by William DiDio, White Plains, N.Y.

Third Place "It needs a feisty female detective." Submitted by Lee Neville, Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Joel's:
"The doctor really told you to make two tablets and see him in the morning?"

"After that crap billy pulled this afternoon, how about including something about honoring your mother and father?"

"This is it, Moses.  The next time you say 'Oh God!' in bed, it had better be about me."

"And you're going to tell the Israelites that they came from WHO?"

"Well, this is probably the last night before I get to the one about adultery, so you might want to rethink that headache."

Contest #212 of 222, October 19, 2009

First Place "What do you mean time's up? I just put another quarter in." Submitted by Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Second Place "I think this can all be traced back to my mother ship." Submitted by Patrick Kelsey, Manheim, Pa.

Third Place "Can we do therapy for just five more minutes? Please? Please?" Submitted by Carolyn Smaka, Cranford, N.J.

Joel's:

"I'm sorry but your two minutes are up.  We need to close."

"I'm still having dreams of flying."

"I'll bill your insurer, but do you have a quarter for the copay?"

"Sorry, I was spacing out there for a minute."

"My last relationship ended in flames."

"John, you're shaking!"

"I'd like to get Susan's perspective too, but I don't really do couples work."

"Oh, before I forget: they'll be painting my office next week, so I'll be temporarily using space in front of the supermarket."