Contest #189, April 20, 2009

First Place "Gesundheit." Submitted by Bob Vogel, Portland, Maine

Second Place "Most people are reassured after three or four." Barbara Colman, Hopewell Junction, N.Y.

Third Place "Congratulations—it's a porcupine." Submitted by Simon Fraser, Philadelphia, Pa.

Joel’s:

"I don't believe in it either. But the placebo effect is terrific."

"Next time, how about if you get the acupuncture and I get the back rub?"

"How was it for you, Amy?"

"I hear you. Stuck qi is a bitch."

"How does my tongue look?"

"You want a piece of this?"

"And as an added bonus, I'm also an M.D. Or used to be, until they noticed how much Demerol was missing."

"Don't worry, I saved a couple for you."

"Do you mind if the needles I use on you are coated with my bodily fluids?"

Contest #188, April 13, 2009

First Place "This song goes out to the one that got away." Submitted by Elisa Narsu, Basking Ridge, N.J.

Second Place "Any requests before I tell you about tonight's specials?" Submitted by Brian Shuman, New York, N.Y.

Third Place "And every year they return to my piano to spawn and die." Submitted by Frank Bruno, Sacramento, Calif.

Joel’s:

"I used to play guitar, but they needed more room."

"Get out your umbrellas, folks, this next one's a rocker."

"Close your eyes, and try to filet the music in your sole."

"If the music sounds a little funny, it's because the piano's out of tuna."

Contest #187 of 189, April 6, 2009

First Place "Trust me—you don't want this. It's filled with mortgage-backed securities." Submitted by Francesca DelGuidice New York, N.Y.

Second Place "Haven't you got some white-collar criminals to attend to?" Submitted by James Bell, Charlottesville, Va.

Third Place "That skirt is so last year." Submitted by Kate Rounds, Jersey City, N.J.

Joel's:

"Is this about me not writing thank you notes after my bar mitzvah?"

"Oh, hey, can you hold off until I get this money back to my apartment?"

"Hey, guy, can you give me a hand with this? It's really heavy."

"I thought I told the teller I didn't want any drama."

"Man, wouldn't that be a great costume for my next heist!"

"Let me guess. You're gonna smite me."

Contest #186 of 189, March 30, 2009

Winners:
First Place
"And Commandments Eleven to Twenty are the same as One to Ten, just with tofu instead of meat."

Second Place
"Read quickly. These are really heavy."

Third Place
"And for you goats—thou shalt not marry a dragon or an ox."


JOEL’S:
"If you though that Red Sea business was incredible, wait until you taste the Salt and Pepper Shrimp!"

"Oh, and the Big Guy says not to worry about MSG headaches."

"I don't suppose any of you read Chinese?"

"Zagat says this is the best deity in the whole desert."

"It would have been something fancier, but, well, after that whole golden calf thing, it was the best I could do for you."