Contest #210 of 210, October 5, 2009

Winners:  

1. "Brother, can you spare a lime?"

2. "Help the yardless?"

3. "Margaritaville or bust." 

Joel's:

"Brother, can you spare a margarita?"

"Brother, can you spare a business class round-trip ticket?  Somewhere nice. "

"It's the new city program to keep us off of the sidewalks."

"You woke me up, the least you could do is give me ten bucks."

"White noise helps me fall asleep, and it's pretty white around here."

"Wake me up when the recession's over, okay?"

Contest #209 of 210, September 28, 2009

 

Winners: 1.  "Don't worry, he's covered by Aflac."

2. “Thank God, Fashion Week is over.”

3. "We all deal with divorce in our own way."

 Joel's:

"So this joke walks into a bar..."

"I got another one for you.  This one's true."

"The sad part is that Fred's whole life is a joke."

"Well, the sign does say 'No shirt, no shoes, no service,' so you really should give the man a drink."

"Don't look so shocked, Harry.  Surely you've heard this one before."

"I was going to tell a joke, but I thought it'd be better if I just let the joke tell itself."

"You think it's supposed to be funny?"

Contest #208 of 210, September 21, 2009

Winners: 1.  “American car companies just can't make a decent hybrid.”

2. “This would work out a lot better if we had kids.”

3. “You know, everyone laughed at Noah, too.”

Joel's:

"I told you not to buy the GPS on eBay."

"I'm thinking it was a mistake to but the car on Auto Row."

"It has fantastic fuel economy."

"The dealer was out of the Prius."

"I sure hope it rains."

"This will be way better than taking the bridge."
"You're such a backseat driver."

"I've got a Chrysler as big as a whale, and it's about to set sail."

"This baby can go from 0 nauts to 60 in ten minutes flat."

"And you thought we were up the creek without a paddle."

"I'm getting tired.  How about if we switch at the next rest area?"

"Boy am I glad I have a handsfree device for my cell phone."

Contest #207 of 210, September 14, 2009

First Place “If it stays that way longer than four hours, you should call your doctor.” Submitted by Dean Kahn Bellingham, Wash.

Second Place "Another nasty hokeypokey injury!" Submitted by Andrew Sneddon Ottawa, Ont.

Third Place “Don’t worry, it gets easier.” Submitted by Gustav Levine Tucker, Ga.

Joel's:  "Don't trip over the leg fantastic."

Contest #206 of 210, September 7, 2009

First Place:"You're just like your mother."

Second Place:"So this is how the other half lives."

Third Place: "You look ridiculous."

Joel's:

You saw a creature with my torso and your lower body?  Dude, what have you been smoking?"

"Hey baby, wanna find out what you've been missing?"

"Did you see what happened to that poor fly?"

"I'd better shut up before I put your foot in my mouth."

Contest #205 of 210, August 31, 2009

First Place "Geez, it's twenty-five to life already."

Second Place "Well, I really must be staying."

Third Place "I'd love to come, but you know the old ball and chain."

Joel's:

"Well, we'd better get going before the warden decides to perform a cell extraction."

"About time for us to head out.  Thanks for a lovely 24 years."

"We really have to be going, but we'd love to see your collection of inmate manufactured weapons next time."

"If I had known how much fun you guys are, I would have committed armed robbery a long time ago."

"Thanks for dinner, and let me compliment you again on what you've accomplished with a few weeks of wood shop."

"We should be going.  What's the best way out of here?"

"We should get going.  Any tips on what the parole board likes to hear?"

"Oh, look at the time.  Only 98 more years until we're released!"

"Well, I should probably get going.  My cellmate threatened to cut my nuts off if I wasn't available for him to sodomize me at 9 p.m."

"Next time, you'll have to come to our cell.  We'll play bridge, or maybe throw urine and feces at the guards."

Contest #204 of 210, August 24, 2009

First Place:  "Now, I know some of you might be thinking, Is this a trap?"--Patrick Kraft,Chicago, Ill.

Second Place "This is Stan. He works in the lab." Submitted by Robin Carelse, Hamilton, Ont.

Third Place "The last of our Swiss bank account." Submitted by Deb E. Tenney,Honolulu, Hawaii

Joel's:

"And if anyone gets thirsty during the meeting, just suck on that metal straw coming out of the wall, and water will come out."

"I hope you like it.  It came from the best trap on the West Side."

"Well, it seems like a comprehensive advertising campaign to me."

"That's where you're wrong, Hugh.  What could be a better way to sell a Swiss vacation to America than this?"

"I mean, nobody really like donuts and bagels, do they?"