Contest #184, March 16, 2009

Winners:

1. "Beat it, buddy. We're out of chalk."

2. "So what makes you think we need a health inspector?"

3. "Seven men walked into a bar and died. What's it to ya?"






Joel's:

"Come on in! The bar's been pretty dead tonight."

"You're a little, late, detective."

"Fred, you missed the stand-up comic we had in here tonight. He killed."

"Welcome back, Harry. This time, would you please just drink your beer, and not shoot all the other customers?"

Hey, Clark, seems like you're never around when Superman kills all the villains."

"Damn. I was hoping you were another robber. I feel like I'm just getting warmed up."

"Welcome, stranger. We don't have video games, but I like to think things are exciting around here."

Contest #183, March 9, 2009

Winners:

1. "Well, at least he made curfew."

2. "We should tell the G.P.S. people that they changed the off-ramp."

3. "I thought our sex life was a train wreck."






Joel's:

"That's it. No more talking on the cell phone in bed."

"Now this is why I wanted the bed with side air bags. But somebody was too cheap."

"You made fun of me when I told you I felt unsafe in a futon. But this is why."

"Harry, you know and I know we were not moving when it happened. But do you really think the police will believe it?"

"I wonder whether the insurance company will total the bed this time."

"Let's get out of here before they can identify us!"

Contest #182 of 184, March 2, 2009

Winners:

1. "Yes, Officer, they say he was about six feet four, with pointy ears and abnormally short arms."

2. "I wasn't laid off—I just decided to pursue other interests."

3. "Hello, YouTube? I've got something you might be interested in."




Joel's:

"Do you have any others? I really need cats that can work trapeze."

"Once i was able to herd them, the rest was easy."

" Sure, it's possible we'll succeed, but the cats are stacked against us"

"They're definitely indoor cats."

"Well, I'll get the dog, but are you sure he can balance on top?"

"No, they won't walk on a leash. Does that really make them untrainable?"

"Hey Lois, you know that new catnip I bought the other day?"

"I was going to get rid of them because of my allergies, but they really seem to want to stay."

Contest #180 of 181, February 9, 2009

Winners:

1. "Here's to Little Miss 'Don't You Touch My Hat.'"

2. "I didn't expect to gain weight on this cruise."

3. "She should have told us the fruit was real."







Joel's:

"I forgot to ask whether the fruit is certified organic. Guess it's too late now."

"There's a worm in my apple. Gross!"

"To be frank, after a meal like that, I don't think a worm in my apple would bother me."

"You can have both bananas. I've been reading about banana production lately, and I'm just not comfortable eating them anymore."

"Boy, am I glad she drew the short straw. It made for a nice balanced meal."

“Wow, first class entertainment followed by fine dining. I would definitely recommend this cruise to others."

Contest #181 of 184, February 23, 2009

Winners:

1. "Tell me you kept the box and receipt."

2. "Typical client—wants a damn Parthenon on a Stonehenge budget."

3. "Dude, Athena's gonna be pissed."

Joel’s:

"You should see the size of the jacuzzi tub that's going in the master bathroom!"

"I was planning to flip it immediately, but I think I'll wait until the economy picks up."

"I hate modern architecture too, but hey, it pays the bills."

"The financing ran out, so I think we're going to have to stop here and just live with it as-is."

"You don't see a lot of remodels like this in the current economy."

"Sure, the owners are impatient, but I keep telling them that Rome won't be built in a day."

"If we get an INS inspection, we're really in trouble."

"Sure, it doesn't look like much, but I think it will be quite livable."

"It originally had an additional story, but the bank wouldn't approve the loan, so we scaled it down."

Contest #179 of 181, February 2, 2009

First Place

"Until I recover, let's just assume your prostate is fine."

Submitted by Jeff Goodman, Burnsville, N.C.

Second Place

"So a doctor walks into a bar—this is not a joke, by the way."

Submitted by James Allen, Lambertville, N.J.

Third Place

"Sorry, we're out of medical supplies."

Submitted by Christina Rodriguez, San Diego, Calif.

Joel’s:

"Actually, I've stopped checking patients' reflexes."

"Oh, I don't have any actual injuries. My partner and I just like to practice bandaging each other."

"I'll take two aspirin, and call you in the morning."

"Oh, don't mind the bandages. It's all psychosomatic."

"Why don't you want to proceed with the surgery, Mr. Wilson?"

"But enough about me. Was there anything you wanted to talk about, Barry?"

"Put the stethoscope to your chest, and tell me what you hear."

"Actually, do you mind if I sit on the table today?"

"Got a cigarette, John?"