Contest #200, July 20, 2009

First Place "Sir, the competition is here to discuss the merger."

Second Place "Oh, yeah, we go way back."

Third Place "He says he is known by many names."

Joel’s:

"Yes, of course he's expecting you.  He's omniscient."

"Can I get you a cup of coffee while you're waiting?  You like it infernally hot, as I recall."

"You said your name is Satan?  Is there a last name?"

"Let me check his appointments.  Ah, here you are, in the details."

Contest #199, July 6, 2009

First Place "Go ahead, waterboard me."

Second Place  “Well, the menu did say ‘Choose your own lobster.’”

Third Place “You think Alcatraz can hold me?”

Joel's:

"Put him in the tank until trial."

"I had a feeling this witness would flip."

"Your honor, I'm certain it won't happen again.  I've been burned too many times."

"Big Al told me that if I testified, I'd end up swimming with the fishes, so I thought I'd come prepared."

"I remind you that you're under oath.  Not under water."

"Your honor, my lawyer told me to wear a suit to court.  Beyond that, he wasn't very specific."

Contest #198, June 29, 2009

First Place

"That’s smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunk.”

Submitted by David Wilkner

Pawtucket, R.I.

Second Place

"The instructions should have mentioned that you need a body of water.”

Submitted by Peter Bleyleben

Chestnut Hill, Mass.

Third Place

"What do you mean you don't remember? Either he sleeps with the fishes or he don't."

Submitted by Tim Wibert

Okemos, Mich.

Joel’s

"Now, you're sure the boss wanted us to throw our skis into the river, and put the stool pigeon on the roof?"

"Look, the literature at the dealer clearly specified a trunk big enough to store a grown man.  I just didn't think about the cement bucket."

"Eddie, if you don't like a guy's final request, you're allowed to say no."

"The Turtle Wax is so not going to prevent scratches."

"Next time, can you do your grocery shopping after we dump the body?"

"In addition to the smooth ride, the car also has a state of the art passive restraint system." 

"Yeah, it's a nice day, but let's not put the top down."

"When I called shotgun, I really just meant that I wanted to sit in the passenger seat."

Contest #197 June 22, 2009

First Place "She's a lover, not a fighter." Submitted by Robert McLean Tampa, Fla.

Second Place  “She thinks her bomb bay makes her look fat.” Submitted by Eric Schares Portland, Ore.

Third Place  “It's a pretty good aircraft, except that it keeps nagging you to ask for directions.” Submitted by Adam Pfeffer Boca Raton, Fla.

Joel's:

"I haven't earned my wings yet."

"Highest heels in the sky, baby!"

"This baby was born for the runway."

"I know it looks good, but the heels always make my back hurt."

"F-21 Stilletto, the sexiest plane in the sky."

"I'd invite you to join me, but you might feel like a first wheel."

"I think they'll accentuate the next leg of my trip."

"They make me look taller in the cockpit."

"It's a long flight.  You think maybe I could slip into something a little more comfortable?"

"This is my first plane with retractable standing gear."

"I like them on other planes, but they make this plane taller than I am."

"They give me a little more altitude."

Contest #196, June 8, 2009

First Place “O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.” Submitted by Todd Bearson, Arlington, Mass.

Second Place “The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”

Third Place “Relax, for them it's publish and perish."

 

Joel’s:

"They excelled at most of the experiments, although they all failed the restaurant check splitting exercise."

"They get cancer just like the other mice, but they’re closing in on a cure."

"Somehow, they just look dorkier than the other mice."

"I can't bear to inject them with anything.  They just look so much cuter than the other rats."

"Supposedly, they're planning to build a maze for us to navigate."

"They're pretty typical in most ways, although they don't seem to reproduce."

"Sure, they're just lab rats now, but many of them had high-level positions in the FDA during the previous administration."

"Hard to believe, I know, but on the weekend, they really know how to party."

"They're pretty calm right now, but you should see how they respond to Dilbert cartoons."

Contest #194 of 196, May 25, 2009

First Place "First, we discuss my percentage of any water you find, real or imagined." Submitted by Jeff Joseph Melville, N.Y. Second Place "Just so we're straight, this is a billable mirage." Submitted by Brooks Heintzelman Wilmington, N.C. Third Place "Impressive audition, but we're going with the camel." Submitted by Benjamin Levy Palm Springs, Fla.

Joel’s:

"You look like a man who could use life insurance!"

"There's a really good mirage around the bend."

"You didn't happen to notice whether any of the other plane crash victims had compensable injuries, did you?"

"I'm here to see a guy about purchasing a horse with no name."

"I bet on your next trip, you won't get desert and dessert confused!"

"What do you mean, you're Thursday?"