Contest #296 of 296, August 1, 2011

Winners:

1. "You know I'll just go straight to your hips."

2. "You’re gonna be huge in this town."

3. "We're sorry about your cat, but he was eating the slower children."

Joel's:
"Call me old fashioned, but I still think the man should pick up the woman."

"Young lady, I do think a longer skirt would be more appropriate."

"Well, then, can I buy you dinner after you destroy the City?"

"May I have your autograph for my teenage daughter?  She says you're really big at the moment."

"I'm sorry, Harold.  I've grown, and you haven't."

"Your ad did call you a 'BBW who likes to get a little crazy,' but I imagined something different."

Contest #289 of 296, May 30, 2011

Winners:
1. "Part of me thinks you should be seeing a veterinarian."

2. "So you say you're only half the man you used to be?"

3. "Frankly, your life sounds quite wonderful."

Joel's:

"Well, I'm afraid your era is over, so we're going to have to end our session."

"You seem partly hoarse today."

"Jerry, how often do you get this feeling, that you're only half a man?"

"You seem to be operating under a myth, Frank."

Contest #287 of 296, May 16, 2011

First Place

"It's for you."
Submitted by Debbie Meagher, Clearwater, Fla.

Second Place

"Don't just stand there, Agnes—get the pliers."
Submitted by Dorothy Lefkovits, San Francisco

Third Place

"Hello, I'm calling to report a giant hand in my house."
Submitted by Dan Woods, Akron, Ohio

Joel's:
"I was gonna walk to the game, but Harry is picking me up."

"Seriously, babe, you need to get a grip."

"Madame, please get your hand off of my ass."

"Apparently, in the current economy, it's those of us in the middle class who are really feeling the squeeze."

"No, I'm not happy about it.  Where I come from, it's considered rude to grab a guy with your left hand."

Contest #284 of 296, April 25, 2011

Winners:

1. "Give me a second—I know this one."

2. "I'll have the chicken."

3. "When they all walked in that day, I thought something seemed funny."

 


Joel's:

"I just don't know.  They all look the same to me."

"Yes, Officer, that's the one I drew."

"Gosh, they all look rather sketchy."

"I still can't tell which one it was.  Could you draw a moustache on the nun?"

"You're very talented, officer."

"Well sure Officer, I see the one who mugged me, but can you do Michael Jackson?"

"Are you sure there's no way of having them turn to the side, but keeping them three dimensional?"

Contest #281 of 296, April 4, 2011

Winners:
1. "I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

2. "Why don't you just admit it—this is the wrong desert."

3. "Let me know if you spot a divorce lawyer."

Joel's:


"I never seen this parking lot looking so deserted."

"I think the shuttle has come by already."

"It was not just 'one more pair of shoes,' Alice."

"Next time, we're using long-term parking."

"What did I tell you, Alice?  This parking lot is packed in the morning, but it's a desert by 5 p.m."

Contest #280 of 296, March 28, 2011

Winners:

1. "The governor would like your help with the budget."

2.  "After they're shredded, I want them burned at the stake."

3. "They're saying the book is dead. I'd like to be sure."

Joel's:

"We all have to adapt to the new economy, man."

"And if you do cheese, I may have some more work for you on Saturday."

"You do really great work.  I'm going to Yelp about you."

"Well, yeah, if you want, but I was really hoping you'd read it first."

Contest #278 of 296

Winners:
1. "Where were you when I drove my car into the lake?"

2. "How 'bout I give you two of these salmon, you walk away, and no one's the wiser?"

 

3. "I ran out of water, officer."

Joel's:

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Do you know that you have a broken port tail light?"

"I'll let you off with a warning this time, but next time, this vessel had better be a car."

"I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize I was on land."

"Mr. Williams, you might consider investing in GPS."

Contest #277 of 296, March 7, 2011

Winners:

1. "It would be so easy to flip this house."

2. "It's available. The other buyers dropped off."
 

3. "The owners are willing to throw in shock absorbers."

Joel's:

"According to the ad in the paper, the price is fixed, but the location is negotiable."

"It's a nice house, but I'm reluctant to buy, because a lot of market analysts are predicting a big crash."

"The disclosures say it's in a commercial zone, but that could change at some point."

"I guess the new furniture should go on the North side of the house."

"Let's not stay for dinner."

"I think we pick the right neighborhood to sell bibles in."