Contest #287 of 296, May 16, 2011

First Place

"It's for you."
Submitted by Debbie Meagher, Clearwater, Fla.

Second Place

"Don't just stand there, Agnes—get the pliers."
Submitted by Dorothy Lefkovits, San Francisco

Third Place

"Hello, I'm calling to report a giant hand in my house."
Submitted by Dan Woods, Akron, Ohio

Joel's:
"I was gonna walk to the game, but Harry is picking me up."

"Seriously, babe, you need to get a grip."

"Madame, please get your hand off of my ass."

"Apparently, in the current economy, it's those of us in the middle class who are really feeling the squeeze."

"No, I'm not happy about it.  Where I come from, it's considered rude to grab a guy with your left hand."