Contest #276 of 276, February 28, 2011

Winners:

1. "I don't want you to be the one that got away."

2. "Relax. The DVR is set. You can catch the game tomorrow."

3. "I don't want to creep you out or anything, but I'm your biggest fan."

Joel's:

"You'll get your blackberry back soon enough, Frank"

"What do you say I take you to the bedroom?"

"Darling, I'm so glad you asked me to tie the knot."

"Don't worry, darling, I'll clear the dishes.  You just sit there."

"Gabrielle, I love you but I need my freedom."

Contest #275 of 276, February 14, 2011

Winners:
1. "Swift justice or cold pancakes? It's your call, honey."

2. "Wake up, Harold! You're having another of your delusions of grandeur."

 

3. "I hate it when you bring work home."

Joel's:

"I thought we had an understanding that there would be no rulings before 9 a.m."

"Oh, sorry.  I thought it was that damn raven again."

"Tell me again why you have to pound that hammer every time you talk?"

"Enough with the pounding, Ed.  Come to bed."

Contest #274 of 276, February 7, 2011

First Place 

"The guy you're looking for waltzed out of here an hour ago."
Submitted by Ed Ridgley, Phenix City, Ala.

Second Place

"Honest to God, Joe, she's the best bouncer I've ever hired."
Submitted by John Turtz, Larchmont, N.Y.

Third Place

"How is she on the pole?"
Submitted by Paul Brandis, Olympia, Wash.

Joel's:
"When we named this place 'The Ballet Bar,' we had no idea it was a double entendre."

"Here's your white russian, buddy."

"Please tell your ladyfriend we don't have dancing here during the week."

"Sure, I can ask the owner about adding Swan Lake to the jukebox."

Contest #273 of 276, January 31, 2011

First Place

"I don't mean to be alarmist, but these things usually travel in groups."
Submitted by Elizabeth Baker, Los Angeles, Calif.

Second Place

"It's probably about time to take down the holiday decorations, honey."
Submitted by R. B. Niles, New York, N.Y.

Third Place

"Wanna build a snow tyrannosaurus?"
Submitted by Joseph Costanzo, Staten Island, N.Y.

Joel's:

"Yeah, of course it's unique, Harry.  All snowflakes are unique."

"I told you we were in for a big snow storm."

"See, that's why they call it 'climate change' rather than 'global warming.'"

"I'll pass on the snowball fight, man."

Contest #272 of 276, January 24, 2011

1. "I'm pregnant."

2. "I think we made a wrong turn at puberty."

3. "More legroom than I would have guessed."

Joel's:

"As long as they're living in my house, they follow my rules."

"Having designated drivers was a great idea, but next time let's make them different from the designated drinkers."

"Hey, don't litter.  It's illegal."

"I can't wait until the dog gets back from vacation.  This is the worst temp job ever."

Contest #269 of 276, January 3, 2011

First Place 

"I didn't get where I am by trying to please."

Second Place

"Let's keep this brief. I've got to get back to staring out the window."

Third Place

"This department has become loyal to a fault."

Joel's:
"Does anybody have any proposals besides chasing a tennis ball?"

"I know you don't like me.  I know you've never liked me.  I know I'm not one of you.  But I have a job to finish and I will not be chased out of here."

"It's settled then.  Rover will chair the next meeting.  Oh, and sorry, but the upholstery is a little scratched up."

Contest #267 of 276, December 13, 2010

First Place

"And some fresh flowers for the table."
Submitted by Barbara Milewski, Easton, Pa.

Second Place

"Separate checks, please."
Submitted by Cecilia Hogan, Tacoma, Wash.

Third Place

"You'll have to speak up."
Submitted by Kim Friese, Westlake, Ore.

Joel's:

"I'd like the fruit salad please.  It gives me hives."
"No, seriously, they are all wearing shirts and shoes."
"Just a small salad please.  Oh, and could you bring 628 extra plates?"
"No, you don't need to bring sweetener with my tea."

Contest #266 of 276, December 6, 2010

First Place 

"Careful, the water’s hard today."
  Don Symons, Santa Barbara, Calif.

Second Place

"There's a warm front coming through this afternoon."
Submitted by Van White, Anaheim

Third Place

"I started last summer when this was a pool."
Submitted by Lawrence Wackerman

Joel's:

"Mostly, I'm just here to help the people who get injured skating into my station."

Contest #265 of 276, November 29, 2010

First Place

"They only want the starter."
Submitted by Rosalind Sadleir
Gainesville, Fla.

Second Place

"The specials are coming out a little greasy."
Submitted by Mitch Wesley, Hamilton, Ohio

Third Place

"I have a request to see how the sausage is made."
Submitted by Walter Giles,Montclair, N.J.

 

Joel's:
"Please try to be more careful with the rest of them.  Some of the people out there are getting carsick."

"Remember, they want this one with less oil."

"I know you guys always do your best, but I thought you might want to know that the customer is a critic at Road and Track."