Contest #345 of 345, August 13, 2012

 First Place
"Any stiffness?"

Second Place
"Sorry about the wait."

Third Place
"Any family history with death?"










Joel's:


"I don't think the antibiotics are working."

"I'm still optimistic."

"Well, the good news is, we got your blood pressure down."

"I'll have a listen with my stethoscope.  This might feel cold.  On second thought, it probably won't."

"Nurse, I'm starting to think his wife did not say 'coughing' on the phone."

"It appears Blue Cross will not cover any further treatment."

"I'm going to run a few more tests.  I don't want to jump to any conclusions."

Contest #339 of 345, June 25, 2012

First Place
"I have to warn you, I don't exactly have a bladder of steel."

Second Place
"I'm always amazed these things actually fly."

Third Place
"I feel like we've gotten a little soft, Lex."













Joel's:
"This time, it's a plane."

"You could say I'm a frequent flyer."

"For pleasure.  Though usually when I'm flying, it's for work."

"I don't usually fly Southwest either, but the fares were unbelievable."

Contest #337 of 345, June 4, 2012

First Place
 "Yes, I asked very politely. But he still says the rest room in there is for employees only."

Second Place
“I feel we should rethink our immigration policy.”

Third Place
“Ask again if anyone turned in a phone.”









Joel's:
"I'm sorry Brett, but the homeowners association rules are quite clear that in case of starvation, I get to eat you."

"It is true that we're not a very diverse community."

"What bothers me is not having to drive everywhere; it's not having anything to drive."

"Well, it's not a planned community in the traditional sense."

"In fact, you're the only person he's ever let in."

"Admittedly, it does lack many of the amenities found in other gated communities."

"Unfortunately, the community rules specify that for aesthetic reasons, we're not allowed to build any dwellings."

"I don't go swimming anymore.  Somehow, the sharks seem to sense when the gate is on the fritz."

Contest #334 of 345, May 14, 2012

First Place
"Help me get under the seat for takeoff."

Second Place
"Stop complaining. I can be used as a flotation device."

Third Place
"And the worst part is this isn't my luggage."










Joel's:
 "Well, next time you book, ask about frequent flier meals."

"Didn't your email confirmation mention that there was lunch on the flight?"

"There's a box lunch on this flight every day."

"Let me know if your stuff won't fit in the overhead; I still have some room."

"If only I'd known there was meal service on this flight."

"I'm never sure whether to open up with strangers, especially on a crowded flight."

"I'm not a big fan of tray tables."

Contest #331 of 345, April 23, 2012

First Place
"I don't care what planet they are from, they can pass on the left like everyone else."

Second Place
"When they said, 'Take us to your leader,' I don't think they meant your mother's house." 


Third Place
"Which finger do I use for aliens?"








Joel's:

"I'll do the sobriety tests, but if this guy wants me to lie down on a table, I'm asking for my lawyer."

"If they want to see my papers, I'm screwed.  I'm an illegal alien."

"I told you not to talk on your cell phone while you drive, but did you listen?"

Contest #329 of 345, April 9, 2012

First Place
“This particular species is believed to have travelled in troupes.”


Second Place
“They hated each other when they were alive.”


Third Place
“We have some very promising new theories about why they became extinct.”










Joel's:

"They're really showing their age."

"Apparently the paleo diet can really boost your energy."

"I think the top hats look pretty classy with the tails."

"Recent evidence suggests they always tap danced in herds."

"He was a predator, but a classy predator."

"You don't think calling this one 'Tricera-Top-Hat' is just a little below the dignity of a premier natural history museum?"

Contest #324 of 345, March 5, 2012

First Place
“Let's just say I thought I had one wish left.”
 Kathy Mathews, 
Frankfort, Ill.

Second Place
“Oddly enough, it's the Capri pants that I hear about the most."
 Andrew Tripp
, Raleigh, N.C.

Third Place
“The goatee looked dumb on its own.” Erik Doughty, 
Colts Neck, N.J.















Joel's:

"Wanna go get a sprite?"

"I didn't like all that talk about debunking myths."

"I was born to be a corporate raider.  I just want to make off with the lute."

"Jack says the new secretary on 15 is a real nymph."

"Merit is a myth.  To get ahead, you have to faun all over the boss."

Contest #322 of 345, February 13, 2012

First Place
“On a clear day, I can get Santa Fe on the antenna.”
 Michael Murray
, Toronto, Ont.

Second Place
“Nope, it's not a new haircut. Try again.”

 Alec Anderson
, Ann Arbor, Mich.

Third Place
"At the next canyon, I'll show you why."

David Hagemeier
, Arden Hills, Minn.








Joel's:
"Yeah, the base price seems cheaper, but you end up spending a lot more on shoes."

"I know the Mustang is supposed to be reliable, but I just really like the look of the New Beetle."

"When you can steal the grasshopper from my hands, partner, then you will have learned."

Contest #319 of 345, January 23, 2012

First Place

"I don't like the way Adam looks at you."


Second Place

"Please stop asking, honey. If anything, you look too thin."


Third Place

"Now you'll probably want a chair."





Joel's:
 
"Does this skin make my ass look big?" is a little obvious?


"Well, Sally, what ARE you gonna do with all that ass?"

"You should see how big it gets when I miss a few spinning classes."

"Carbs, man."

"It's definitely impaired my slithering, but you should see me freak dance."
"That's still no excuse for grabbing it."

"You wouldn't believe how hard it is to grow a skin that fits."

"I told you, shaking it is not really optional."
 

Contest #311 of 345, November 21, 2011

First Place
"When it's an elephant, we'll talk."

Submitted by Arun Nalkara, 
Orland Park, Ill.

Second Place
"He was a terrible pet—why did we think he'd make a great coffee table?"

Submitted by Rob Mariani
, Bristol, R.I.

Third Place
"When's the last time you charged a man who looked at me?"


Joel's
"I called that clinic about getting hipposuction."

 "Fred, we need to talk about the 'elephant in the middle of the room': we have a hippopotamus in the middle of the room."

Contest #310 of 345, November 14, 2011

First Place
"Regime change is never easy, dear."


Second Place
"It says here, 'Assume the prone position and return enemy fire until such time as reinforcements arrive.'"


Third Place
"So much for starting over in a new city."






Joel's:
"You and what army, Henry?"

Contest #308 of 345, October 31, 2011

First Place
“You're gonna have to roll me outta here.”
 Everett Hartwell, 
Berkeley, Calif.

Second Place
“I think you just ate the spare.”  Andrew Pagoulatos
, Blairstown, N.J.

Third Place
“I'd kill for some cream cheese.”
 Joe Balding
, Athens, Ohio



Joel's:
"I'm full, but I just can't think of anything else to do with them."
Submitted by Joel Jacobs
Berkeley, CA