CONTEST #478 OF 481, JUNE 8, 2015

FIRST PLACE  "It was a partially dark and stormy night." Submitted by Kathryn El-Assal Middleton, Wisc.

SECOND PLACE  "An optimist would see the room as half dry." Submitted by Mark Conacher Toronto, Ont.

THIRD PLACE  "Not everything is about you." Submitted by Eric Tobiason Torrance, Calif.

Joel's:

“Well, look who woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

“Do I need to turn off the electric blanket?”

“On the other hand, you were right about the skylight being beautiful.”

CONTEST #476 OF 481, MAY 25, 2015

FIRST PLACE  "You've achieved closure." Submitted by Darren Gersh Chevy Chase, Md.

SECOND PLACE  "Any final thoughts?" Submitted by Dave Dubbe Yorktown, Va.

THIRD PLACE  "Perhaps we should reduce the dosage." Submitted by Matthew Bartlett New York, N.Y.

Joel's:

“You need to get out more.”

“Try thinking outside the box.”

“How long have you been afraid of mirrors, crosses, and garlic?”

“I would have understood if you’d cancelled the session.”

“There’s a process for winding down therapy.  You can’t just end it.” 

“I’m hearing that you want to feel alive again.”

“Say more about feeling ‘dead inside.’”

“What makes you think your marriage is dead?”

CONTEST #475 OF 481, MAY 18, 2015

FIRST PLACE  "Invent a job!" Submitted by Andrew Seward Frederick, Md.

SECOND PLACE  "I have a plan to monetize your diet." Submitted by Jeffrey Dabe Delaware, Ohio

THIRD PLACE  "Any new cave paintings?" Submitted by Roger K. Miller Menomonee Falls, Wis

Joel's:

“Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

“Am I headed toward Jurassic Park?”

“Seriously, you don’t know where the new opera house is?  Have you been living in a cave or something?”

“You must be a hipster.”

CONTEST #474 OF 481, MAY 11, 2015

FIRST PLACE "Legally, we're a farm." Submitted by Brendan Keefe New Haven, Conn.

SECOND PLACE "Let's see how sustainable his job is." Submitted by David Schmerler New York, N.Y.

THIRD PLACE "The third quarter is going to be delicious." Submitted by John Perra Charleston, S.C.

Joel's:

“He thinks inside the box.”

“Walter doesn’t play well with others.”

“He’s forecasting managed growth for next quarter.”

“This division is growing.”

“He’s leaning in.”

“In so many offices, gardening is just a metaphor.  Here, it’s a reality.”

“Horace is not afraid to get a little dirty.”

CONTEST #473 OF 481, MAY 4, 2015

FIRST PLACE "They can't be that advanced—there's no bagel setting." Submitted by David Onken Milwaukee, Wis.

SECOND PLACE "Stay back! They may have gluten!" Submitted by Allison Hart Lengyel Shaw Island, Wash.

THIRD PLACE "They seem too skinny for carb-based life-forms." Submitted by Thomas Asp Seattle, Wash.

Joel's:

“They may not save the world, but at least they’ll save the screen.”

“It doesn’t look anything like the Earth’s crust, does it?”

“Take me to your butter.”

“I knew there was other carb-based life in the universe!”