Contest #168 of 168, November 10, 2008

Joel's: "Quick, Frank, hand me your water pistol. My wine tastes funny, and I'd like to send it back." "Well, they may be down a waiter or two tonight, but I wouldn't call the place 'shorthanded.'" "I'm thinking of asking for more water just to see what would happen." "Well, at first, the absence of a maiter d' struck me as odd, but I got used to the people mover pretty fast." "I guess I should have told the waiter that 'Asian bird flu' was a figure of speech." "Next time, let's go to the restaurant where the waiters are all aspiring actors, okay?" "I misunderstood the phrase 'extended hours' too." "Hey, it's the only place in town that lets me use Paypal for the check."

First Place BUY > "Please try not to stare at his disproportionately short right arm." Submitted by Chas Kikel Cleveland Heights, Ohio Second Place BUY > "Apparently, even the Fantastic Four can feel the pinch of the recession." Submitted by Marlene Goodman Wheeling, Ill. Third Place BUY > "The first course has been described as a taste explosion." Submitted by Chuck Skeens Albuquerque, N.M.

Contest #167 of 167, November 3, 2008

Joel’s: "Yes, things are getting better. But we're not out of the woods yet." "I haven't been known for addressing animal concerns in the past, but I'm ready to give it a shot. Uh, I mean, a try." "Questions? Yes, you behind the tree, with the nice rack." "Ask not what you can do for your country: I've stepped in too much doo today already." "I know you're hurting. I make this promise to you: no new axes." "I said 'thanks, but no thanks" to the Bridge to Town." "You can put lipstick on a human, but it's still not a pig." "I want to put an end to slash and burn politics."

First Place BUY > "Read my lips—no new taxidermy." Submitted by Eric Kneedler Bethesda, Md. Second Place BUY > "As a weasel, I need your vote." Submitted by Mike Millner Chapel Hill, N.C. Third Place BUY > "O.K., who pooped on the lectern?" Submitted by Michael Morris New Haven, Conn.

Contest #166 of 167, October 27, 2008

JOEL'S: “Man, do I feel stiff this morning." "I love the feel of Egyptian cotton." "Talk about the sleep of the dead: you were out cold last night!" "I feel exhausted. I was up half the night sarcoughing." "Please turn out the light, honey. I'm ready for the afterlife." "This hotel room feels pretty spacious, at least compared to what we're used to."

First Place BUY > "No, no—you're the archeologist this time!" Submitted by Eric Reid Natick, Mass. Second Place BUY > "This should keep Emily from running to our bed every time she has a bad dream." Submitted by Sami Haque Carol Stream, Ill. Third Place BUY > "It feels good to get out of the museum for a night." Submitted by Frank Campanella New York, N.Y.

Contest #165 of 167, October 20, 2008

“He’s taking care of Main Street before Wall Street” -- Joel

First Place BUY > "Looks like another ye olde stimulus package." Submitted by John Burke Park Ridge, Ill. Second Place BUY > "After seven hundred billion for the nobles, it was the least we could do." Submitted by Rich Brown Tampa, Fla. Third Place BUY > "Things haven't been the same since we began electing our kings." Submitted by Jay Mackro San Juan Capistrano, Calif.

Contest #164 of 167, October 13, 2008

First Place BUY > "Come sweater season, you'll be back." Submitted by Travis Gosselin Chicago, Ill. Second Place BUY > "Could you bring me back a goat?" Submitted by Clif Dickens Lexington, Ky. Third Place BUY > "You're the one who left your fertility drugs on the counter." Submitted by Andy Wehrley New York, N.Y. Your Caption BUY > "Too crowded in what sense?" Submitted by Joel Jacobs Berkeley, CA

Contest #163 of 167, October 6, 2008

Joel’s: "Darling, you're the only woman in the world for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No, not you in the second table on my right. You, at the table right in front of me." "This time, Harriet, it's my turn to lecture you." "I know you're asking yourself: how can I order the steak, and still retire early?" "If selected as your husband, I will raise your tax bracket, and let household spending get out of control. My opponent can't make those promises." "The lady will have the Salmon, and I'll do a little something called The Human Beatbox." "On this, the occasion of our 50th wedding anniversary, I would like to serenade my bride with that old ditty, 'Life Ain't Nothin' But Bitches and Money.'"

First Place BUY > "And, if you elect me, all Americans will be able to choose soup and salad!" Submitted by Peter LaMassa Massapequa Park, N.Y. Second Place BUY > "What's your stance on first-date sex? You have two minutes to respond." Submitted by Frank Campanella New York, N.Y. Third Place BUY > "The ratatouille is good today. I am the owner and I approve this message." Submitted by Jean Pyle Hawthorne, N.J.

Contest #162 of 167, September 29, 2008

Joel’s: “It’s the ‘new neutered.’”

First Place BUY > "Don't look now, but I believe your snake is strangling that dog." Submitted by Samantha Church Chicago, Ill. Second Place BUY > "Let's just say it attracts a more interesting type of woman." Submitted by Rosi Kaufman Praire Village, Kans. Third Place BUY > "Relax, she prefers dachshunds." Submitted by Chas Kikel Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Contest #161 of 167, September 22, 2008

Joel’s "Well, Fred, as your physician, I have to disagree with your therapist. I don't want to see you come out of your shell." "Sorry, these are the biggest glasses we have." "I see from your resume that you really come through in a pinch." "You have a strong analytical background, and now that the economy's in the tank, your resume naturally stood out." "Tell me more about your experience as part of 'surf and turf' ." "If you were a vertibrate, what would you be?" "It's a demanding environment, and frankly, we're looking for someone with a little more spine." "Well, the truth is that I left my previous job because I just couldn't take the heat."

First Place BUY > "So why did you leave Red Lobster?" Submitted by Paul Vogel Arlington, Va. Second Place BUY > "So you think you’re ready for the corner tank?" Submitted by Meghan Dowd Somerville, Mass. Third Place BUY > "I guess we have a deal, but we don’t have to shake on it." Submitted by Candace Klomann Tucson, Ariz.

Contest #160 of 167, September 15, 2008

Joel’s: "The disclosures mention that the tenants may be difficult to evict." "Are you sure this is a good time for a tour?" "It looks very cozy." "It's in our price range, but I'm worried about the location. I've heard some bad things about Hell." "The neighbors seem friendly, and there's a church right around the corner." "The previous owner used it for a Bikram yoga studio." "The papers don't list the name of the seller. It just says 'confidential.'" "Clients don't usually ask that question. I'm afraid the commission offered is confidential." "This is a place we could stay in for a long time." "I think they could be flexible. It's been on the market a long time." "The notes say that he's in a bind, because he's way behind, and he's willing to make a deal." "I don't think financing will be an issue." "It's been very well maintained." "It's not a 'drive-by.'" "Oh, one more thing. About your signature on the offer."

First Place BUY > "The seller is extremely motivated." Submitted by Mariam Erenburg New York, N.Y. Second Place BUY > "The heating system is pretty old but very reliable." Submitted by Shawna Bryan Andover, Ohio Third Place BUY > "I strongly recommend that you read the fine print on this one." Submitted by Phil Schatz New York, N.Y.

Contest #158 of 167, September 1, 2008

Joel’s: "Frank, did you want your raspberry sorbet in a cone or in a cup?" "Oh, please tell us what the 'high tide surprise' is." "I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but they promised the next one would be a woman." "Actually, would you mind moving a foot to the left, so I can get some shade?" "I remember when I thought it was funny too."

First Place BUY > "You got that? Three bottled waters, two sodas, one coffee, and six straws." Submitted by Robin McCauley Newport News, Va. Second Place BUY > "Run! The kid with the little red shovel is coming back!" Submitted by Timothy Gunn New York, N.Y. Third Place BUY > "We save a bundle on suntan lotion." Submitted by Pedro Diaz Nyack, N.Y.

Contest #156 of 167, August 11, 2008

Joel’s "Hey, baby, can I buy you a sheik pair of flats?" "We've only just met, but I already know we have things in common." "Well, I used to wear sensible shoes to places like this, but I decided that just wasn't the image I wanted to be putting out there." "What say we get out of here and check out the sale at Nordstrom." "Has anybody ever told you that your eyes sparkle like a pair of iridescent Jill Stuart pumps?"

First Place BUY > "Actually, I'm not crazy about long walks on the beach." Submitted by Naji Chammas Del Mar, Calif. Second Place BUY > "I'm looking forward to casual Friday, when I can put on some flats." Submitted by Emily Milstein Chilmark, Mass. Third Place BUY > "I'm working my way up to a sex-change operation." Submitted by William Babula Santa Rosa, Calif.

Contest #155 of 167, August 4, 2008

"Sometimes I feel like Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz.' Oh wait, I am Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" "...and they told me I made a better life coach than wizard, so I started this group. Larry, why don't you tell us your story next." "And when Tin Man called you "a doe-eyed, pigtailed, scheming bitch,' how did that make you feel?" "You see? We all struggle with the same things: needing to find our way, to be accepted for who we are, what 'home' means to us, and freakishly bright colorization." "Dorothy, I know sometimes you feel like you're the only one in the world with ruby slippers you just can't pull off, but really, you're not alone." "We all understand your trauma, don't we? After all, who hasn't been carried off by a winged monkey at some point?" "Excuse me, this isn't the 'Intimacy and Sexuality' group, is it?" "You need to share your deepest, darkest feelings, Dorothy, and stop thinking in terms of a G rating." "Dorothy, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened to the Wicked Witch of the East." "Mrs. Epstein and I just need to share our anger at Dorothy for not respecting Mrs. Epstein's dog allergy. For myself, I can say it's making it hard for me right now to hear your concern about being fired, Straw Man." “Are you sure you’re not using the Lion as a straw man?”

First Place BUY > "And my hourly fee is six hundred dollars. You're not in Kansas anymore." Submitted by Bill Craig Ridgewood, N.J. Second Place BUY > "Home—is there really no place like it? Who'd like to start?" Submitted by Whitworth Ferguson Manassas, Va. Third Place BUY > "If you adopt her, please understand that she comes with a lot of baggage." Submitted by Eileen Brady Portland, Ore.

Contest #153 of 167, July 21, 2008

Joel’s: “The objection will be sustained, counsel, but I’ll let them finish this number.”

First Place BUY > "I know you have the law and the facts on your side, but I'm going with the dancing girls on this one." Submitted by Mark Nebrig Charlotte, N.C. Second Place BUY > "Overruled, counsellor. This is sweeps week." Submitted by Joseph Taylor Beaufort, S.C. Third Place BUY > "The jury foreman will now sing the verdict." Submitted by Hughes Richardson Afton, Okla.

Contest #152 of 167, July 7, 2008

JOEL’S: "We've killed it, just by driving our car! Al Gore was right!" "Henry, it's just like I read in that Thomas Friedman book. Advances in travel are making the world smaller." "Quick, Henry! Aim for land!" "Hey, our GPS says we're getting very close!" "No, I don't see it on the map." "We are totally lost. I wish we had a ma...Oh, Dear Lord." "You just had to say 'I wish we had a map,' didn't you? You couldn't have wished we were there already, or maybe 'I wish we had a million dollars?'" "Next time, will you take the traffic report seriously?" "Yeah, I did hear about it on the traffic report, but I thought they meant 'earth,' as in 'dirt.' Silly me!" "Sure, it's right in the middle of the road, but don't worry. There is an emerging scientific consensus that it won't be around much longer." "You said you wanted to see the world. You said you didn't want to spend a fortune. Stop complaining."

First Place BUY > "Honey, I told you the whole world is headed to the Cape this weekend." Submitted by Terri-Lee Burger Brooklyn, N.Y. Second Place BUY > "Oh, great, we're stuck behind a four-and-a-half-billion-year-old." Submitted by Ari Stern North Hollywood, Calif. Third Place BUY > "Why do I always get stuck behind the slow planets?" Submitted by Brian Ahern Long Beach, N.Y.

Contest #151 of 167, June 30, 2008

JOEL'S: "Perkins, our new corporate motto is ‘Think Big.’." "My supervisor comes up with all sorts of ways of making me feel inadequate." "Boss, it's about that wastepaper basket you requested." "Oh, it's the latest thing in upper body workouts. Beats the Hell out of golf." "It works like a charm, but it needs to be cranked. That's where you come in, Alvin." "We don't use electrics around here anymore, not since the accident."

First Place BUY > "Let's continue this discussion over a hot barrel of coffee." Submitted by Adam Caraher New York, N.Y. Second Place BUY > "But I have to warn you, carpal tunnel here is a bitch." Submitted by Sam Cobean Falmouth, Me. Third Place BUY > "'How many accountants does it take to sharpen a pencil?' you ask? In this case five." Submitted by Matt Aucoin Woodstock, Vt.

Contest #150 of 167, June 23, 2008

Joel's Captions BUY > "Well, at least it's better than the episode with oven." "You can't do anything right, can you?" "I cannot tell a lie. I did it." "You need to remove your kevlar helmet." "Really, darling, I'm just cleaning it." "How many times have I asked you not to try to kill yourself inside the house?" "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he fire six shots or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow my head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?" "Oh Chester, this is how those affairs started too!" "Marge, it's just like the New Yorker cartoon contest."

First Place BUY > "Just come to bed and kill yourself in the morning." Submitted by Marcos El Malo Los Angeles, Calif. Second Place BUY > "Bullets don't grow on trees, Harry." Submitted by Stephen Schweiger Montclair, N.J. Third Place BUY > "I told you to hire a professional!" Submitted by Ela Kotkowska New London, N.H.

Contest #149 of 167, June 9, 2008

"You said 'drop in any time.'" "Harry, did you order a paratrooper?" "Oh, Fred! You and your wife had a falling out again!" "I would have called first, but it's those darn FAA regulations." "Sorry I'm early, but there wasn't much wind." ("Sorry I'm early, but I forget to pull the string for a litte while." "Sorry I'm early, but there was a hole in my chute.") "Peter, I've decided I need one of those relationships with no strings." Submitted by Joel Jacobs Oakland, CA

First Place BUY > "Apparently, American now charges extra for landings." Submitted by Steve Hoglund Auburn, Wash. Second Place BUY > "Are you sure you're ovulating now?" Submitted by Natalie O'Connell City Island, N.Y. Third Place BUY > "Can I borrow your Cessna?" Submitted by Michael Embley Austin, Texas Your Caption BUY >

Contest #147 of 167, May 26, 2008

Your Caption BUY > "Objection to the word 'killer.'" Submitted by Joel Jacobs Oakland, CA

First Place BUY > "Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale." Submitted by Will Simon Brooklyn, N.Y. Second Place BUY > "My client maintains that the penguin had a gun!" Submitted by Dan Von Kohorn Chestnut Hill, Mass. Third Place BUY > "I demand a change of venue to a maritime court!" Submitted by S. Michael Ricciardi Watchung, N.J.

Contest #146 of 167, May 19, 2008

JOEL'S: “I was hoping that this interview would flesh out your resume, but I can see that's not going to happen." "My biggest weakness? I've been told I lack depth." "You make a better window than a door." "Your cover letter also says you have a nose for detail." "Your resume seemed a bit thin, but now I can see why." "I won't make any stick figure jokes if you forego the comments about me looking like Homer Simpson with hair." "I think this position could add a whole new dimension to my experience." "What you see is pretty much what you get."

First Place BUY > "I'm sorry, this is Tic-Tac-Toe—applications for Hangman are down the hall." Submitted by Gavrilo Gnatovich Tucson, Ariz. Second Place BUY > "Besides being a stick, what is your greatest weakness?" Submitted by Roxie June Window Rock, Ariz. Third Place BUY > "It was a rough divorce, but she didn't get the Happy Face." Submitted by David Duty Austin, Tex.

Contest #144 of 167, May 5, 2008

Joel’s ideas: "Well, Doctor, I'm a little apprehensive about public speaking, and sometimes I feel frustrated, like my job isn't very meaningful. That's about it. Oh wait, there was one other thing." "I'm sorry, David, but we're going to have to focus on your relationship issues. Your insurance doesn't cover hallucinations." "Well, I don't really feel any better than when I started. I just like coming here because your office is so nice." "No, David, they're real. Just kidding! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Well, I see our time is up." "My hunch is you're having trouble leaving your job at the office."

First Place BUY > "I'm haunted by the faces of my victims." Submitted by Tom Buckner Asheville, N.C. Second Place BUY > "You think this is bad? I used to be a proctologist." Submitted by David Krieger Taylors, S.C. Third Place BUY > "Just once, I'd like it to be fish and chips." Submitted by Jean Turlington Clinton, N.C.

Contest #143 of 167, April 28, 2008

" JOEL'S: "True, but on the other hand, the boss didn't tell us NOT to bring inflatable girlfriends to the meeting."

First Place BUY > "Hey, you teach C.P.R. your way, and I'll teach it mine." Submitted by Rose Locander Waukesha, Wis. Second Place BUY > "I couldn't find a real naked woman to ride with me in the H.O.V. lane." Submitted by Brian Julius Washington, D.C. Third Place BUY > "She's my Seeing Eye doll." Submitted by Abigail Crim Greenbelt, Md.

Contest #142 of 167, April 21, 2008

" Joel’s ideas: 1. "Dammit. That's the fifth one in a row that's already occupied." 2. "Oh, there's my cab. Anybody know the fastest route to the lobby from here?" 3. "Oh, there's my cab. Hey, to get to the airport at this hour, would you guys go via the lobby or the roof?" 4. "Actually, this is the easy part. He's driving me to Ellis Island."

First Place BUY > "When you don't want one, they're everywhere." Submitted by Christopher Kemp Rogers, Ark. Second Place BUY > "Why can't he take a limo like the rest of us?" Submitted by Chip Mergott Stockton, N.J. Third Place BUY > "I'll concede I'm drunk, but you could have just taken my keys from me." Submitted by Mark Nebrig Charlotte, N.C.

Contest #141 of 167, April 14, 2008

JOEL'S: 1. "I'm working on a catchphrase. What rhymes with 'Every time the Batmobile's siren sounds'?" 2. "Hey, if you think I look silly, you should see what Aquaman looks like up here." 3. "They were out of the poofy ones when I arrived." 4. "Could have been worse. At least they gave me literal bat wings." 5. "Sure, the feathers look pretty and all, but these ones actually work." 6. "And check it out: they gave me sonar too!" 7. "In life, I was a huge baseball fan, but somewhere along the line there was a big misunderstanding." 8. "How ya doing?" "Not bat, you?" 9. "Know where I can get some blood to drink around here?" 10. "Another church bell rang, but guess what was in the belfry?

First Place BUY > "It just looked so uncool to wear a seat belt in the Batmobile." Submitted by Steve Rogers Los Angeles, Calif. Second Place BUY > "I'm allergic to down." Submitted by Zach Wilson St. Paul, Minn. Third Place BUY > "I only got halfway through my deathbed conversion." Submitted by Mark Blankenship Brooklyn, N.Y.

Contest #134 of 167, February 25, 2008

First Place BUY > "Next time can we just get flu shots like everyone else?" Submitted by Matthew May Westlake Village, Calif. Second Place BUY > "Don't sexual fantasies usually involve sex at some point?" Submitted by Alex Goulder Boulder, Colo. Third Place BUY > "Not tonight, dear. I have acute radiation poisoning." Submitted by Stephen Schwartz Wilmette, Ill. Your Caption BUY > "I know it's a cliche, but sometimes discretion really is the best part of valor." "Turn me loose tonight: I'm radioactive." "You feeling frisky?" Submitted by Joel Jacobs Berkeley, CA

Contest #132 of 167, February 4, 2008

“

First Place “We're all out of the blood of your enemies. You'll have to settle for marmalade.” Submitted by Jason Beck Los Angeles, Calif. Second Place “If you didn't want crusts, you should have said so.” Submitted by Vic Comello Franklin Park, Ill. Third Place “How many cubicles will you conquer today, hon?” Submitted by Scott Corlett San Francisco, Calif. Joel's Captions "Harry, that was not what I meant when I asked you not to use the good silver." "Whatever. I'm still not addressing you as 'Lester the Great.'" Submitted by Joel Jacobs Berkeley, CA

Contest #127 of 167, December 24, 2007

First Place "I put some beer on the hook. I figure if that's what got him into this mess it should be able to get him out." Submitted by Kea Wheeler Westland, Mich. Second Place "Ice fishing and skydiving—who says they don't go together?" Submitted by Michael Robinson Riverton, N.J. Third Place "He's got a new fish-whispering technique." Submitted by Joelle Santucci Portsmouth, R.I. Joel's Caption You bet I believe in global warming. Ten years ago, this fishing hole was the size of a small child. Submitted by Joel Jacobs Berkeley, CA

Contest #125 of 167, December 10, 2007

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people." Submitted by John Late Satellite Beach, Fla.

Second Place BUY > "Next week I pick the fantasy." Submitted by Peter Bruland New York, N.Y.

Third Place BUY > "So this is what it's like to be a Nielsen family." Submitted by Richard LeBlanc Dallas, Texas

Joel's:

"My client can accommodate your request for an hour of ESPN2 in exchange for cooperation with regard to Antiques Roadshow at 10."