Contest #263 of 263, November 15, 2010

Winners:
1. "You're such a light sleeper."
2. "Now don't you wish you hadn't done so many helium shots?"

3. "You need to cut your toenails."

Joel's:
"Have you been up all night?"

Contest #259 of 263, October 18, 2010

Winners:
1. "Try honking again."
2. "This is our worst carjacking ever."
3. "A lot of pizzas are going to be free today."

 








Joel's:
"Slow down.  I think I see a cop."

"I've tried public transit, but I like the feeling of freedom I have in a car."

Contest #259 of 263, October 18, 2010

Winners:
1. Hey, at least it swims like a duck."

2. "We knew that using the sperm bank might be a gamble."

3. "Just wait until you see his wingtips."








 Joel's:
"Honey, I love him as much as you do, but he's not a swan, he's really just an ugly duckling."

Contest #255 of 263, September 20, 2010

Finalists:

1. "I gather you both feel you're being manipulated."

2. "You need an agent, not a counsellor."

3. "O.K., now do a tragedy."

Joel's:

"I think you're talking past each other."

"I have to disagree, Larry.  I do think you're being manipulative."

"You need to stay together for the children."

"Hold it.  Let's stop the finger-pointing."

"Well, you say that your sex life has become dull, but have you tried costumes or props?"

Contest #254 of 254, September 13, 2010

1. "Yes, I'm alone."

2. "I'm on a satellite phone—how's the reception?"

3. "Never thought I’d say this, but I wish I'd played more Whac-A-Mole as a kid." 


















Joel's:
 "Can you hear me?  I think I"m in a dead zone right now."

"Hello, Verizon?  Can you tell me what's considered 'roaming'?"

"My new phone was expensive, but it has wi-fi AND sci-fi."
 

Contest #253 of 254, September 6, 2010

1. "In the end, Ed, most of us are carried along by our delusions."

2. "You don't have to tell me it's a vanishing breed."

3. "You always have to be an early adopter." 





















Joel's:

 "Good to see you back in the saddle again."

"I told you not to mount the horse from the right side."

"Yeah, I did say that no horse is faster than mine, but that's not what I meant."

"So it's true, Lester.  You can't even lead a horse to water."

Contest #247 of 254, July 12, 2010

1. "They'd probably be more fun if the barrel had air holes."

2. "The monkeys themselves should come in three to six weeks."

3. "Personally, I think Prozac is a lot easier." 











Joel's:

"I don't know, I guess I just expected them to be more fun."

"Technically, these are mostly apes."

"Where's the fun?"

"I mostly want them for comparison."

"Maybe I'll have Koko sign for the delivery."

"I'm a scientist, so they're for business rather than pleasure."

"There was supposed to be a can of worms in the order as well."

Contest #246 of 254, July 5, 2010

1. "Your father's last wish was for you to succeed him as chairman."

2. "And this is our new incentive plan."

3. "Or we go to Plan B and slip something in his coffee." 





Joel's:
"We've replaced all the old lighting with fluorescents, and asked our employees to turn off their computers at the end of the day.  Can someone please explain to me why our energy costs keep going up?"
 "Motion carries. The bylaws will be amended to reflect the fact that no individual will chair the meeting more than once."

"I will now entertain a motion for the Board to appoint a new executed director."

"Wilson, what did you think of the powerpoint?"

"Well, it's getting late, and we've covered almost everything on the agenda.  It's time to vote on whether to adjourn, or execute one of our members."

"Look, I'm sure we all would have preferred to be on a reality TV show where you go home after you're eliminated, but in a market like this one, you take what you can get."

"Congress claims its new financial reform will increase transparency and predictability, but the law threatens to strip away those company practices that make us unique."

"I've assured the authorities that we at BP are fully capable of holding our officers accountable for their mistakes internally."

CONTEST #244 OF 254, JUNE 14, 2010

FIRST PLACE
"I feel a vibration. Can you call my cell phone again?"

SECOND PLACE
"Cancel my lunch date and get me a six-foot baguette."

THIRD PLACE
"These executive desk toys are becoming a nuisance."









Joel's:
"The croc stops here."

"No time to go out for lunch today.  I have to get this off my desk by 5."

"You're telling me this is not an iPad?"

"I guess some of my best ideas when I'm stroking the alligator's belly."

"We're going out for a bite.  We'll be back in about an hour."

"If my wife asks, my work with the alligator is strictly business, got it?"

"Would you please print out the schedule of events for Bring Your Alligator to Work Day?"

"Is this the coolest stapler, or what?"

CONTEST #242 OF 254, MAY 31, 2010

FIRST PLACE
“Now you're embarrassing me, Dad.”
Submitted by Nigel Arscott
El Cerrito, Calif.

SECOND PLACE
“Sharks are biting on gabardine today. Polyester should be O.K.”
Submitted by David McElwain
Boise, Idaho

THIRD PLACE
“I hate the way corporate thinking has taken over surfing, man.”
Submitted by Rob Chafin
Amarillo, Texas


Joel's:
"Around here, they call me the Chairman of the Board."

Contest #239 of 239, May 10, 2010

Winners:

1. "These are required, sir. Other people do have to testify after you."

2. "Your Honor, permission to join the witness."

3. "Would this be the article you consider 'optional'?" 











Joel's:

"Mr. Fitzpatrick, this isn't the first time you've been in hot water, is it?"

"It seemed like the perfect plan.  But you forgot one thing, didn't you?"  

Contest #238 of 239, May 3, 2010

Winners:

1. "Before we got fire, we used to talk to each other."

2. "I told you the matinée wouldn't be crowded."

3. "And I have him booked right through the Iron Age."













Joel's:

"Man, doesn't this beat drawing on the walls?"

"Fire.  Definitely my favorite technological innovation so far."

"Once beer is invented, this is gonna be even better."

"Rok hopes that having a cool talent will make people stop calling him a Neanderthal."

"Wait until you see him add a woolly mammoth!"

"It's times like this that I really enjoy being a hunter-gatherer-juggler."

"And folks, if you enjoyed the show, please feel free to show your appreciation by leaving the carcass of a large animal near the fire on your way out."

"That Prometheus guy said he was mostly here to bring us fire, but he'd throw a little something extra in the mix."

Contest #236 of 239, April 19, 2010

Winners:

1. “Did you put 3,250 pounds of 'fresh mackerel' on my credit card?”

2. “Those buckets of fish heads aren't going to take themselves out.”

3. “Dr. Ogden just called to say your mercury levels are on the high side.” 











Joel's:

"Don't be flip with me, Harry!"

"I never know when to believe you, Stanley.  First, you tell me you're the Eggman. Now . . . "

"Oh, don't give me that crap about how many fish there are in the sea."

Contest #235 of 239, April 12, 2010

Winners:

1. "O.K., now we'd like to see No. 4 in the tutu."

2. "These were winnowed down from a group of thirty-seven using DNA testing."

3. "I'm six feet tall if I stand on my toes."








Joel's:

"Now everybody turn to the left.  Feet sur les demi-pointes."

"Number 5, please do the splits in the air, and raise your right hand like you're attacking someone with a knife."

"Okay, let's take it from the top, but this time I want to see more passion.  We'll keep going until we get it right, people."

Contest #234 of 239, April 5, 2010

Winners:

1. "This is the last time I park on this side of town!"

2. "Sorry, boy, but you know how it is with them peel 'n' eat shrimp."

3. "I knew I should have had that alarm installed when I got you." 











Joel's:

"Yeah, I know, Sally.  You're getting old, girl."

"You spook easy, don't you, girl."

"I guess this is not such a safe neighborhood after all."

"I guess I was in there longer than I thought."

"Ghost town indeed."

"That mysterious fat man really was hungry enough to eat a horse."

Contest #232 of 239, March 22, 2010

Winners:
1. “What makes you think we found your cat story boring?”

2. “Your availability comes off as desperation.”

3. “You don't need to whisper—they're made of wax.” 








Joel's:

"I'm thinking of ordering the sconé."

"It beats small talk."

"This is SO embarassing.  Sheila and I are wearing the same dress."

"I'm really just here to be seen."

"Sorry, you seem like a nice guy, but since I got Skype I don't really do in-person conversations anymore."

"What do you mean, 'Talk'?"

"I told you nobody drinks coffee anymore."

Contest #231 of 231, March 15, 2010

First Place

"Her testosterone levels are through the roof." Doug Loynes, Dublin, Ohio

Second Place "We were as shocked as you were that you’re a donor match." Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Third Place "I'm afraid he's started refusing all conditioners." Thomas van Geel, Natick, Mass.

Joel's:

"Actually, Nurse, the patient IS out of the woods."

"True, our methods are primitive, but then, so are the patients."

"Not only is your husband going to be all right, but he will evolve too."

"Yes, the chemo does cause hair loss eventually, but you'll need to be patient."

"I'm afraid we couldn't find any hospital slippers that fit him, but he's apparently used to walking around barefoot."

"On the other hand, he's the first patient I've seen who likes the food here."

"Since he came to, all he does is grunt, but I'm not sure whether that's because of the concussion, or because of his primitive evolutionary state."

"A lot of people sent flowers, but he ate most of them."

"It's not just my first time seeing this patient; it's the first confirmed sighting period."

"Unfortunately, his condition is devolving."

Contest #230 of 231, March 8, 2010

Winners:

1. "If you think this is annoying, just wait. In a few miles, they switch to binary."

2. "You know, a drive in this old open roadster sure does turn back the clock!"

3. "I heard they're part of a failed Italian space program." 



Joel's:


"I have no clue where we are, honey.  I told you we should have studied Italian before the trip."

"The tour book says they're the biggest roman numbers in the world, but I think I saw MCMLXXIV in movie credits once."

"I can't wait to see how they do blast-off."

"According to the GPS, V should be coming up soon."

"I guess they must be named after the Superbowls."

Contest #229 of 231, March 1, 2010

Winners:

1. “O.K., counsellor, we heard your argument. Now tell us a story.”

2. “Five to four of us would like you to get the lights on your way out.”

3. “How long have you been standing there?” 




 

Joel's:

"May I please the Court?"

"We were hoping not just to prevail, for an unamorous decision by the Court."

"The Court appears to recognize that this is, in the common parlance, a 'sexy' case."

"The controlling language is found in a footsienote in the Court's decision last year in the Smith case."

"Under the circumstances, the Court should rethink its position on abortion laws."

"I can understand why the Court does not allow these proceedings to be televised."

"Would anyone like a cigarette before I begin?"

"Well, this is not what I would call a conservative majority."

"I urge you to overturn the Court of Appeals."

"My next argument is based on orgy intent."

"This is a seminal case."

"Justice Roberts, I understand why you're call 'The Chief.'"

"Justice Thomas, is this a pubic hair on my microphone?"

"Have all of you seen my briefs?"

"Are you ready for the oral part of my presentation?"

"Under the separation of powers doctrine, there isn't supposed to be any congress in the court."

"I guess I shouldn't bother arguing for abstention."

Contest #228 of 231, February 15, 2010

First Place:

“So, which one of you varmints is mine?” Submitted by Mark Esche, Leesburg, Fla.

Second Place “I reckon that rounding up the usual suspects just ain't what it used to be.” William Feltus, Colonial Heights, Va.

Third Place “I've got to stop advertising for posses in the classifieds.” Submitted by Jonah Parkin,Toronto, Ont.

Joel's:


"There must have been a misunderstanding.  I was asking around about a posse, not a possum."

The Especially Wild West.

"Next time, I guess I'll know better than to advertise for a deputy by promising free candy and garbage."

"Well, look what came crawling into town."

Contest #227 of 231, February 8, 2010

First Place “I finally got that desk job I’ve been looking at.” Submitted by Carolyn Thon, San Mateo, Calif.

Second Place “I am telling you this guy is a micromanager.” Submitted by Albert Ortega, Chapel Hill, N.C.

Third Place “The revolution has begun!” Submitted by Jim Peterson, Petaluma, Calif.

Joel's:

"The job share is going great, actually."

"No, I wouldn't call the dress code 'typical.'"

"Apparently, sleeping with the boss's wife was not as smart a move as Leo thought."

"I need to check the chart in the breakroom, honey.  Tomorrow I'm either the CEO, or cleaning the toilets."

Contest #226 of 231, February 1, 2010

Winners:

1. "There’s a cure—but it’s light-years away.”

2.  “You won't have to drive to this clinic. Just wait in your cornfield.”

3.  "I’m going to give you something for your humanity.”

Joel's:
"I'll be honest with you, Jim.  Removing your kidney was medically necessary.  My eating it was not."

"This is health care reform."

"Take me to your liver."

"I'm going to have to get a specimen."

"Before I can give you a diagnosis, Paul, I'm going to have to run a series of bizarre experiments on you."

"I've scheduled you for a procedure.  Insurance won't cover it, but there won't be any charge."

"It hurts when you breathe...what?"

"I could do the surgery myself, but I'm definitely outside your insurance network."

"Why yes, I can tell you how long you have."

"Most of my patients are undocumented aliens, but it's a mix, really."

"Oh, I'm not surprised.  We get a lot of new patients through the X-Files."

Contest #225 of 231, January 25, 2010

First Place BUY > “Mom said you were supposed to take me to the game.” Submitted by Laura Lea Cobb Starkville, Miss.

Second Place BUY > "I don't think you'll be too pleased with your new uniforms, either." Submitted by Gary Osheroff Pasadena, Calif.

Third Place BUY > “I’m trying to raise money for our squad. Would you like your plane washed?” Submitted by John Riley Issaquah, Wash.

Joel's: "We complained to management that we felt unsupported because of the pension cuts.  This was their response."

Contest #224 of 231, January 18, 2010

First Place

“I say we start the meeting without him.” Mark Templeman, Richmond, Va.

Second Place "I'm here to fix the coffee machine." Submitted by Elana Klein, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Third Place "You're right. We'll need a second stimulus plan." Michael Harrington, Seattle, Wash.

Joel's:

"And the advantage of a reception area would be what, exactly?"

"I don't think it's gilding the lily to say that this company is in touch with the community it serves."

"And if you don't like it, John, there are dozens of people waiting to take your place."

"They say it's lonely at the top, but that hasn't really been an issue so far."

"I know it's a cliche, but I'm definitely a people person."

"You and what army?"

"Welcome to the Citibank family, John."

"We have to be more careful about our accounting practices.  The regulators are watching us very closely."


"It's lonely at the top."

Contest #223 of 231, January 11, 2010

First Place "I liked my old spin class better." Submitted by Hal Mason, Wellesley, Mass.

Second Place "Be careful, these machines are self-loading." Submitted by Jerome O'Brien, Springfield, Va.

Third Place "We're grad students doing a study on lost socks." Submitted by David Block, El Cerrito, Calif.

Joel's:

"Would you please wash, dry, and fold a towel for me?"

Contest #222 of 222, January 4, 2010

First Place “And what does she have that I don't?” Submitted by Christo Phillip, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Second Place “I don't want to hear again about the one that got away.” Submitted by Jo Minow, Chicago, Ill.

Third Place "I feel like seafood tonight." Submitted by Mike Sellers, Newtown, Pa.

Joel's:

"Lois, we've been over this before.  I don't care how fantastic the sale was.  You don't 'need' another pair of shoes."

 

"Can I get you some water?"

 

"I really like your new haircut, dear.  You should keep it short like that."

 

"Clean it up yourself, Brad.  I'm not a maid.  Well, technically I am."

 

"Good news about my job search, Harry.  There's a Hooters opening up at Marine World."

 

"You know the drill, Harry.  If you want to get lucky tonight, you're really going to have to kiss me first."

Contest #221 of 222, December 21, 2009

First Place “Let Table Seven know that there will be a slight delay on the risotto.”  by Teresa Palomar, Baltimore, Md.

Second Place “There's always room for cello.” James Ninivaggi, Ridgefield, Conn.

Third Place “This is why I don't need cable TV.” Submitted by Jamie Picon Methuen, Mass.

Joel's


"It's a bad time to be in the restaurant business."

"We're downsizing."

"I'm not looking forward to going back out to the tables.  It's crazy out there."

"Business is slow, so they're putting on a production of Verdi's Il Venditore dei Pesci."

"I told the boss it was a mistake to hire only one naked cellist."

Contest #215 of 222, November 9, 2009

First Place "And, in this corner, also hailing from Chernobyl..." Submitted by Tim Herbert, Plainfield, N.H.

Second Place "Very funny. Now give me the microphone." Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.

Third Place "But, first, a word on foot odor." Submitted by Mike Egan, Syracuse, N.Y.

Joel's:

"And I don't want to see anything above the belt."

"And in this corner, weighing in at 300 pounds,we have his other foot." 

Contest #214 of 222, November 2, 2009

First Place "I'm afraid we need to make more cuts." Submitted by David Kessler, New York, N.Y.

Second Place "Please use a coaster." Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.

Third Place "I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement." Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.

Joel's:

"John, I'm the first to admit how surprised I am, but this new proposal of yours really has legs."

"And no, this is not the first time today that I've need to use the head."

"I did warn you that you were really sticking your neck out at the meeting."

"I'd better see some results, or heads will roll.  And I don't have to tell you whose."

"They don't call me the head of this company for nothing."

"Your promotion is good news for you, Danny, but bad news for me.  You'll be in the President's office.  I'll be getting your ass."

Contest #213 of 222, October 26, 2009

First Place "They ignored your first ten. What makes you think you'll do any better with these?" Submitted by Bob Silverstein, Scarsdale, N.Y.

Second Place "Dear ... diary ... She's ... finally ... asleep.... Oops." Submitted by William DiDio, White Plains, N.Y.

Third Place "It needs a feisty female detective." Submitted by Lee Neville, Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Joel's:
"The doctor really told you to make two tablets and see him in the morning?"

"After that crap billy pulled this afternoon, how about including something about honoring your mother and father?"

"This is it, Moses.  The next time you say 'Oh God!' in bed, it had better be about me."

"And you're going to tell the Israelites that they came from WHO?"

"Well, this is probably the last night before I get to the one about adultery, so you might want to rethink that headache."

Contest #212 of 222, October 19, 2009

First Place "What do you mean time's up? I just put another quarter in." Submitted by Annette Gasparon, Secane, Pa.

Second Place "I think this can all be traced back to my mother ship." Submitted by Patrick Kelsey, Manheim, Pa.

Third Place "Can we do therapy for just five more minutes? Please? Please?" Submitted by Carolyn Smaka, Cranford, N.J.

Joel's:

"I'm sorry but your two minutes are up.  We need to close."

"I'm still having dreams of flying."

"I'll bill your insurer, but do you have a quarter for the copay?"

"Sorry, I was spacing out there for a minute."

"My last relationship ended in flames."

"John, you're shaking!"

"I'd like to get Susan's perspective too, but I don't really do couples work."

"Oh, before I forget: they'll be painting my office next week, so I'll be temporarily using space in front of the supermarket."