Contest #210 of 210, October 5, 2009

Winners:  

1. "Brother, can you spare a lime?"

2. "Help the yardless?"

3. "Margaritaville or bust." 

Joel's:

"Brother, can you spare a margarita?"

"Brother, can you spare a business class round-trip ticket?  Somewhere nice. "

"It's the new city program to keep us off of the sidewalks."

"You woke me up, the least you could do is give me ten bucks."

"White noise helps me fall asleep, and it's pretty white around here."

"Wake me up when the recession's over, okay?"

Contest #209 of 210, September 28, 2009

 

Winners: 1.  "Don't worry, he's covered by Aflac."

2. “Thank God, Fashion Week is over.”

3. "We all deal with divorce in our own way."

 Joel's:

"So this joke walks into a bar..."

"I got another one for you.  This one's true."

"The sad part is that Fred's whole life is a joke."

"Well, the sign does say 'No shirt, no shoes, no service,' so you really should give the man a drink."

"Don't look so shocked, Harry.  Surely you've heard this one before."

"I was going to tell a joke, but I thought it'd be better if I just let the joke tell itself."

"You think it's supposed to be funny?"

Contest #208 of 210, September 21, 2009

Winners: 1.  “American car companies just can't make a decent hybrid.”

2. “This would work out a lot better if we had kids.”

3. “You know, everyone laughed at Noah, too.”

Joel's:

"I told you not to buy the GPS on eBay."

"I'm thinking it was a mistake to but the car on Auto Row."

"It has fantastic fuel economy."

"The dealer was out of the Prius."

"I sure hope it rains."

"This will be way better than taking the bridge."
"You're such a backseat driver."

"I've got a Chrysler as big as a whale, and it's about to set sail."

"This baby can go from 0 nauts to 60 in ten minutes flat."

"And you thought we were up the creek without a paddle."

"I'm getting tired.  How about if we switch at the next rest area?"

"Boy am I glad I have a handsfree device for my cell phone."

Contest #207 of 210, September 14, 2009

First Place “If it stays that way longer than four hours, you should call your doctor.” Submitted by Dean Kahn Bellingham, Wash.

Second Place "Another nasty hokeypokey injury!" Submitted by Andrew Sneddon Ottawa, Ont.

Third Place “Don’t worry, it gets easier.” Submitted by Gustav Levine Tucker, Ga.

Joel's:  "Don't trip over the leg fantastic."

Contest #206 of 210, September 7, 2009

First Place:"You're just like your mother."

Second Place:"So this is how the other half lives."

Third Place: "You look ridiculous."

Joel's:

You saw a creature with my torso and your lower body?  Dude, what have you been smoking?"

"Hey baby, wanna find out what you've been missing?"

"Did you see what happened to that poor fly?"

"I'd better shut up before I put your foot in my mouth."

Contest #205 of 210, August 31, 2009

First Place "Geez, it's twenty-five to life already."

Second Place "Well, I really must be staying."

Third Place "I'd love to come, but you know the old ball and chain."

Joel's:

"Well, we'd better get going before the warden decides to perform a cell extraction."

"About time for us to head out.  Thanks for a lovely 24 years."

"We really have to be going, but we'd love to see your collection of inmate manufactured weapons next time."

"If I had known how much fun you guys are, I would have committed armed robbery a long time ago."

"Thanks for dinner, and let me compliment you again on what you've accomplished with a few weeks of wood shop."

"We should be going.  What's the best way out of here?"

"We should get going.  Any tips on what the parole board likes to hear?"

"Oh, look at the time.  Only 98 more years until we're released!"

"Well, I should probably get going.  My cellmate threatened to cut my nuts off if I wasn't available for him to sodomize me at 9 p.m."

"Next time, you'll have to come to our cell.  We'll play bridge, or maybe throw urine and feces at the guards."

Contest #204 of 210, August 24, 2009

First Place:  "Now, I know some of you might be thinking, Is this a trap?"--Patrick Kraft,Chicago, Ill.

Second Place "This is Stan. He works in the lab." Submitted by Robin Carelse, Hamilton, Ont.

Third Place "The last of our Swiss bank account." Submitted by Deb E. Tenney,Honolulu, Hawaii

Joel's:

"And if anyone gets thirsty during the meeting, just suck on that metal straw coming out of the wall, and water will come out."

"I hope you like it.  It came from the best trap on the West Side."

"Well, it seems like a comprehensive advertising campaign to me."

"That's where you're wrong, Hugh.  What could be a better way to sell a Swiss vacation to America than this?"

"I mean, nobody really like donuts and bagels, do they?"

Contest #200, July 20, 2009

First Place "Sir, the competition is here to discuss the merger."

Second Place "Oh, yeah, we go way back."

Third Place "He says he is known by many names."

Joel’s:

"Yes, of course he's expecting you.  He's omniscient."

"Can I get you a cup of coffee while you're waiting?  You like it infernally hot, as I recall."

"You said your name is Satan?  Is there a last name?"

"Let me check his appointments.  Ah, here you are, in the details."

Contest #199, July 6, 2009

First Place "Go ahead, waterboard me."

Second Place  “Well, the menu did say ‘Choose your own lobster.’”

Third Place “You think Alcatraz can hold me?”

Joel's:

"Put him in the tank until trial."

"I had a feeling this witness would flip."

"Your honor, I'm certain it won't happen again.  I've been burned too many times."

"Big Al told me that if I testified, I'd end up swimming with the fishes, so I thought I'd come prepared."

"I remind you that you're under oath.  Not under water."

"Your honor, my lawyer told me to wear a suit to court.  Beyond that, he wasn't very specific."

Contest #198, June 29, 2009

First Place

"That’s smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunk.”

Submitted by David Wilkner

Pawtucket, R.I.

Second Place

"The instructions should have mentioned that you need a body of water.”

Submitted by Peter Bleyleben

Chestnut Hill, Mass.

Third Place

"What do you mean you don't remember? Either he sleeps with the fishes or he don't."

Submitted by Tim Wibert

Okemos, Mich.

Joel’s

"Now, you're sure the boss wanted us to throw our skis into the river, and put the stool pigeon on the roof?"

"Look, the literature at the dealer clearly specified a trunk big enough to store a grown man.  I just didn't think about the cement bucket."

"Eddie, if you don't like a guy's final request, you're allowed to say no."

"The Turtle Wax is so not going to prevent scratches."

"Next time, can you do your grocery shopping after we dump the body?"

"In addition to the smooth ride, the car also has a state of the art passive restraint system." 

"Yeah, it's a nice day, but let's not put the top down."

"When I called shotgun, I really just meant that I wanted to sit in the passenger seat."

Contest #197 June 22, 2009

First Place "She's a lover, not a fighter." Submitted by Robert McLean Tampa, Fla.

Second Place  “She thinks her bomb bay makes her look fat.” Submitted by Eric Schares Portland, Ore.

Third Place  “It's a pretty good aircraft, except that it keeps nagging you to ask for directions.” Submitted by Adam Pfeffer Boca Raton, Fla.

Joel's:

"I haven't earned my wings yet."

"Highest heels in the sky, baby!"

"This baby was born for the runway."

"I know it looks good, but the heels always make my back hurt."

"F-21 Stilletto, the sexiest plane in the sky."

"I'd invite you to join me, but you might feel like a first wheel."

"I think they'll accentuate the next leg of my trip."

"They make me look taller in the cockpit."

"It's a long flight.  You think maybe I could slip into something a little more comfortable?"

"This is my first plane with retractable standing gear."

"I like them on other planes, but they make this plane taller than I am."

"They give me a little more altitude."

Contest #196, June 8, 2009

First Place “O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.” Submitted by Todd Bearson, Arlington, Mass.

Second Place “The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”

Third Place “Relax, for them it's publish and perish."

 

Joel’s:

"They excelled at most of the experiments, although they all failed the restaurant check splitting exercise."

"They get cancer just like the other mice, but they’re closing in on a cure."

"Somehow, they just look dorkier than the other mice."

"I can't bear to inject them with anything.  They just look so much cuter than the other rats."

"Supposedly, they're planning to build a maze for us to navigate."

"They're pretty typical in most ways, although they don't seem to reproduce."

"Sure, they're just lab rats now, but many of them had high-level positions in the FDA during the previous administration."

"Hard to believe, I know, but on the weekend, they really know how to party."

"They're pretty calm right now, but you should see how they respond to Dilbert cartoons."

Contest #194 of 196, May 25, 2009

First Place "First, we discuss my percentage of any water you find, real or imagined." Submitted by Jeff Joseph Melville, N.Y. Second Place "Just so we're straight, this is a billable mirage." Submitted by Brooks Heintzelman Wilmington, N.C. Third Place "Impressive audition, but we're going with the camel." Submitted by Benjamin Levy Palm Springs, Fla.

Joel’s:

"You look like a man who could use life insurance!"

"There's a really good mirage around the bend."

"You didn't happen to notice whether any of the other plane crash victims had compensable injuries, did you?"

"I'm here to see a guy about purchasing a horse with no name."

"I bet on your next trip, you won't get desert and dessert confused!"

"What do you mean, you're Thursday?"

May 18, 2009

First Place
"Free will is overrated." Submitted by Nahomi
Harkavy, Greensboro, N.C.

Second Place
"This is why I suggested a threesome."
Submitted by Martina O'Boyle
Atlanta, Ga.

Third Place
"This was so much more awkward before
Craigslist."
Submitted by Julie Gautreau
Knoxville, Tenn.




Joel’s:

"I've had a hard day, Edith. Please tell your puppeteer to have you make me a martini."

"John, I love you, but I've been feeling really manipulated in this relationship."

"Oh, John, come on. You know you love the theater."

"I don't care how tired you are. You think it was easy getting dressed up like this?"

"Ralph, doesn't it seem like a million years ago that I answered your ad on Craig's List? I still can't believe your ad said
'no strings attached.'"

"I know you're feeling down, honey, but you just need to pick yourself up and brush off the dust."

"Gloria Steinem was on Oprah today, and I realized that I've got to take control of my own destiny."

"Ralph, I refuse to be seen in public with you unless you wear your toupee to cover your head string."

Contest #192 of 193, May 11, 2009

First Place
"Both the movie and I will be released this
summer."
Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.

Second Place
"It's my first time on 'Celebrity Parole
Hearing.'"
Submitted by Al Miro, Astoria, N.Y.

Third Place
"This is fancy role-playing for a conjugal visit."


Joel’s:
"We only have about 37 years left; anything you'd like to add?"

"I don't get out much these days either."

"Why don't you tell everybody the story of the time you tried to escape from the set."

"I think we're ready to roll a clip from your latest film, which is set right here,

"We need to cut to a commercial. But don't go anywhere; we won't!"

Contest #190 of 193, April 27, 2009

Winners:
1. “I think the head's in the wrong place."
Submitted by Steve Punch, Danville, Calif.

2. "If we just ignore it, maybe it'll go away."
Submitted by Lance Massey, Ohio

3. "The statue of the lemmings was just too
depressing."
Submitted by Andrew Mann, San Francisco


Joel’s:

"Together, they are a tribute to American foreign policy."

"I'm surprised the mayor thought these statues were the best choices to put in

"Let's get out of here. I think there's a pigeon statue up in the sky somewhere."

"I guess what I stepped on back there must have been from the dog statue."

"Wasn't this one supposed to be a fountain?"

"Why do you think the artist named this one 'The Republican'?"

"Just think how dumb the ostrich will feel when he figures out that he missed

"I could have done without quite this much realistic detail on the ostrich."

Contest #189, April 20, 2009

First Place "Gesundheit." Submitted by Bob Vogel, Portland, Maine

Second Place "Most people are reassured after three or four." Barbara Colman, Hopewell Junction, N.Y.

Third Place "Congratulations—it's a porcupine." Submitted by Simon Fraser, Philadelphia, Pa.

Joel’s:

"I don't believe in it either. But the placebo effect is terrific."

"Next time, how about if you get the acupuncture and I get the back rub?"

"How was it for you, Amy?"

"I hear you. Stuck qi is a bitch."

"How does my tongue look?"

"You want a piece of this?"

"And as an added bonus, I'm also an M.D. Or used to be, until they noticed how much Demerol was missing."

"Don't worry, I saved a couple for you."

"Do you mind if the needles I use on you are coated with my bodily fluids?"

Contest #188, April 13, 2009

First Place "This song goes out to the one that got away." Submitted by Elisa Narsu, Basking Ridge, N.J.

Second Place "Any requests before I tell you about tonight's specials?" Submitted by Brian Shuman, New York, N.Y.

Third Place "And every year they return to my piano to spawn and die." Submitted by Frank Bruno, Sacramento, Calif.

Joel’s:

"I used to play guitar, but they needed more room."

"Get out your umbrellas, folks, this next one's a rocker."

"Close your eyes, and try to filet the music in your sole."

"If the music sounds a little funny, it's because the piano's out of tuna."

Contest #187 of 189, April 6, 2009

First Place "Trust me—you don't want this. It's filled with mortgage-backed securities." Submitted by Francesca DelGuidice New York, N.Y.

Second Place "Haven't you got some white-collar criminals to attend to?" Submitted by James Bell, Charlottesville, Va.

Third Place "That skirt is so last year." Submitted by Kate Rounds, Jersey City, N.J.

Joel's:

"Is this about me not writing thank you notes after my bar mitzvah?"

"Oh, hey, can you hold off until I get this money back to my apartment?"

"Hey, guy, can you give me a hand with this? It's really heavy."

"I thought I told the teller I didn't want any drama."

"Man, wouldn't that be a great costume for my next heist!"

"Let me guess. You're gonna smite me."

Contest #186 of 189, March 30, 2009

Winners:
First Place
"And Commandments Eleven to Twenty are the same as One to Ten, just with tofu instead of meat."

Second Place
"Read quickly. These are really heavy."

Third Place
"And for you goats—thou shalt not marry a dragon or an ox."


JOEL’S:
"If you though that Red Sea business was incredible, wait until you taste the Salt and Pepper Shrimp!"

"Oh, and the Big Guy says not to worry about MSG headaches."

"I don't suppose any of you read Chinese?"

"Zagat says this is the best deity in the whole desert."

"It would have been something fancier, but, well, after that whole golden calf thing, it was the best I could do for you."

Contest #184, March 16, 2009

Winners:

1. "Beat it, buddy. We're out of chalk."

2. "So what makes you think we need a health inspector?"

3. "Seven men walked into a bar and died. What's it to ya?"






Joel's:

"Come on in! The bar's been pretty dead tonight."

"You're a little, late, detective."

"Fred, you missed the stand-up comic we had in here tonight. He killed."

"Welcome back, Harry. This time, would you please just drink your beer, and not shoot all the other customers?"

Hey, Clark, seems like you're never around when Superman kills all the villains."

"Damn. I was hoping you were another robber. I feel like I'm just getting warmed up."

"Welcome, stranger. We don't have video games, but I like to think things are exciting around here."