Contest #307 of 307, October 24, 2011

Winners:
1. "That lady's shoes kind of remind me of Joey."

2. "I still say the sewers are quicker."

3. "Anyone care to join us for lunch?"







Joel's:

"Well, this is my stop.  See you later."

"Politicians always promise to drain the swamp, but I can't believe the new mayor actually did."

"Sure, the subway is fast, but an SUV appeals to my reptilian brain."

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think you're wearing a friend of mine on your feet."

Contest #306 of 307, October 17, 2011

Winners:
1. "If you do the dishes, I'll dust the crops."

2. "Well, you were right, dear. It does hide that stain in the carpet."

3. "Honey, there's a sale on scarecrows."







Joel's:

"I told my boss I'd be in the field today."

"The paper is predicting robust growth for the third quarter."

"The guys at the plant keep telling me not to take work home with me."

"The real estate agent did not adequately explain the implications of the property being burden by an agricultural easement."

"So when do we get our federal farm aid?"

"Looks like the gardener came today."

Contest #303 of 307, September 26, 2011

Winners:
1. "Who has the time anymore? Now it just sits there, gathering dust."

2. "It's been in the family since 1789."

3. "When we drink wines from Spain, we replace it with the rack."




Joel's:
"So, who wants to go first?"

"We're not big on television."

"Most people in Henry's job don't take work home with them, but he's very dedicated."

"The prisoners are through the metal doors to the left of the bar.  Help yourself."

"I'm up to my neck in bills.  Any ideas?"

"We've cut our household expenses in half.  Ask us how."

"This is my last glass of wine.  One more and I'll lose my head."

"It's been a tense day.  I cut off another driver on the way home from work."

"Ready for our famous chopped salad?"

"The head of our staff is off tonight."

"Monty's a real cut-up, isn't he?"

"And after that, we just couldn't stay in France, so here we are."

CONTEST #302 OF 307, SEPTEMBER 19, 2011

Winner:
1. "The acoustics were better in the old boardroom."

2. "I'll be rapping my presentation."

3. "Prison made him reassess his priorities."



Joel's:
"Fred's notes are always meticulous."

Contest #301 of 307, September 12, 2011

Winners:
1. "Looks like they’re making cuts at the top."

2. "I dare anyone to say we missed a spot."

3. "It seems a bit extreme, but it does keep the zombies away."








Joel's:

"They think they're hot stuff, but I see right through them."

"Well, the new CEO promised more transparency."

"This generation is so much more clear headed than in the old days."

"In most jobs, it's the maintenance staff who are supposed to be invisible."

"Sure, they dress the part, but none of these guys has a head for business."

"I'm still adjusting to being part of the invisible economy."

"There goes the bold new face of American business."

Contest #300 of 307, September 5, 2011

Winners:
1. "There is one more thing we could try."

2. "The procedure is completely reversible."

3. "Keep it up."










Joel's:
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about your energy level.  It's just the way you're wired."

"Well, Bob, it's perfectly normal for a man your age not to get turned on as often as he used to be, so I wouldn't worry about it."

"I see you've been taking that Viagra I prescribed."

"Unfortunately, this is brain surgery we're talking about.  You can't just flip a switch."

"So when you say that your previous doctor turned you off, what do you mean?"

"Yes, your health insurance authorizes switching doctors.  Why do you ask?"

"Sorry, Bill, I'm afraid I have to have a medical reason to order another MRI."

"We're going to do a battery of tests."

"Bill, I'm afraid I still can't figure out why your pacemaker stops working when you sleep on your back."

Contest #298 of 307, August 15, 2011

Winners:
1. "I trust you know what to do when you get to the plate."

2. "O.K., we learned a lot this game, including you can't rush a soufflé."


3. "First base wants to know if you have anything gluten-free."





Joel's:

Contest #297 of 307, August 8, 2011

Winners:

1. "Is it so important that it be a rescue ship?"

2. "Want to play the license-plate game again?"

3. "So I see you went with the grass interior."








 Joel's:

"Looks like no swimming today, Bob."

Contest #296 of 296, August 1, 2011

Winners:

1. "You know I'll just go straight to your hips."

2. "You’re gonna be huge in this town."

3. "We're sorry about your cat, but he was eating the slower children."

Joel's:
"Call me old fashioned, but I still think the man should pick up the woman."

"Young lady, I do think a longer skirt would be more appropriate."

"Well, then, can I buy you dinner after you destroy the City?"

"May I have your autograph for my teenage daughter?  She says you're really big at the moment."

"I'm sorry, Harold.  I've grown, and you haven't."

"Your ad did call you a 'BBW who likes to get a little crazy,' but I imagined something different."

Contest #289 of 296, May 30, 2011

Winners:
1. "Part of me thinks you should be seeing a veterinarian."

2. "So you say you're only half the man you used to be?"

3. "Frankly, your life sounds quite wonderful."

Joel's:

"Well, I'm afraid your era is over, so we're going to have to end our session."

"You seem partly hoarse today."

"Jerry, how often do you get this feeling, that you're only half a man?"

"You seem to be operating under a myth, Frank."

Contest #287 of 296, May 16, 2011

First Place

"It's for you."
Submitted by Debbie Meagher, Clearwater, Fla.

Second Place

"Don't just stand there, Agnes—get the pliers."
Submitted by Dorothy Lefkovits, San Francisco

Third Place

"Hello, I'm calling to report a giant hand in my house."
Submitted by Dan Woods, Akron, Ohio

Joel's:
"I was gonna walk to the game, but Harry is picking me up."

"Seriously, babe, you need to get a grip."

"Madame, please get your hand off of my ass."

"Apparently, in the current economy, it's those of us in the middle class who are really feeling the squeeze."

"No, I'm not happy about it.  Where I come from, it's considered rude to grab a guy with your left hand."

Contest #284 of 296, April 25, 2011

Winners:

1. "Give me a second—I know this one."

2. "I'll have the chicken."

3. "When they all walked in that day, I thought something seemed funny."

 


Joel's:

"I just don't know.  They all look the same to me."

"Yes, Officer, that's the one I drew."

"Gosh, they all look rather sketchy."

"I still can't tell which one it was.  Could you draw a moustache on the nun?"

"You're very talented, officer."

"Well sure Officer, I see the one who mugged me, but can you do Michael Jackson?"

"Are you sure there's no way of having them turn to the side, but keeping them three dimensional?"

Contest #281 of 296, April 4, 2011

Winners:
1. "I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

2. "Why don't you just admit it—this is the wrong desert."

3. "Let me know if you spot a divorce lawyer."

Joel's:


"I never seen this parking lot looking so deserted."

"I think the shuttle has come by already."

"It was not just 'one more pair of shoes,' Alice."

"Next time, we're using long-term parking."

"What did I tell you, Alice?  This parking lot is packed in the morning, but it's a desert by 5 p.m."

Contest #280 of 296, March 28, 2011

Winners:

1. "The governor would like your help with the budget."

2.  "After they're shredded, I want them burned at the stake."

3. "They're saying the book is dead. I'd like to be sure."

Joel's:

"We all have to adapt to the new economy, man."

"And if you do cheese, I may have some more work for you on Saturday."

"You do really great work.  I'm going to Yelp about you."

"Well, yeah, if you want, but I was really hoping you'd read it first."

Contest #278 of 296

Winners:
1. "Where were you when I drove my car into the lake?"

2. "How 'bout I give you two of these salmon, you walk away, and no one's the wiser?"

 

3. "I ran out of water, officer."

Joel's:

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Do you know that you have a broken port tail light?"

"I'll let you off with a warning this time, but next time, this vessel had better be a car."

"I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize I was on land."

"Mr. Williams, you might consider investing in GPS."

Contest #277 of 296, March 7, 2011

Winners:

1. "It would be so easy to flip this house."

2. "It's available. The other buyers dropped off."
 

3. "The owners are willing to throw in shock absorbers."

Joel's:

"According to the ad in the paper, the price is fixed, but the location is negotiable."

"It's a nice house, but I'm reluctant to buy, because a lot of market analysts are predicting a big crash."

"The disclosures say it's in a commercial zone, but that could change at some point."

"I guess the new furniture should go on the North side of the house."

"Let's not stay for dinner."

"I think we pick the right neighborhood to sell bibles in."

Contest #276 of 276, February 28, 2011

Winners:

1. "I don't want you to be the one that got away."

2. "Relax. The DVR is set. You can catch the game tomorrow."

3. "I don't want to creep you out or anything, but I'm your biggest fan."

Joel's:

"You'll get your blackberry back soon enough, Frank"

"What do you say I take you to the bedroom?"

"Darling, I'm so glad you asked me to tie the knot."

"Don't worry, darling, I'll clear the dishes.  You just sit there."

"Gabrielle, I love you but I need my freedom."

Contest #275 of 276, February 14, 2011

Winners:
1. "Swift justice or cold pancakes? It's your call, honey."

2. "Wake up, Harold! You're having another of your delusions of grandeur."

 

3. "I hate it when you bring work home."

Joel's:

"I thought we had an understanding that there would be no rulings before 9 a.m."

"Oh, sorry.  I thought it was that damn raven again."

"Tell me again why you have to pound that hammer every time you talk?"

"Enough with the pounding, Ed.  Come to bed."

Contest #274 of 276, February 7, 2011

First Place 

"The guy you're looking for waltzed out of here an hour ago."
Submitted by Ed Ridgley, Phenix City, Ala.

Second Place

"Honest to God, Joe, she's the best bouncer I've ever hired."
Submitted by John Turtz, Larchmont, N.Y.

Third Place

"How is she on the pole?"
Submitted by Paul Brandis, Olympia, Wash.

Joel's:
"When we named this place 'The Ballet Bar,' we had no idea it was a double entendre."

"Here's your white russian, buddy."

"Please tell your ladyfriend we don't have dancing here during the week."

"Sure, I can ask the owner about adding Swan Lake to the jukebox."

Contest #273 of 276, January 31, 2011

First Place

"I don't mean to be alarmist, but these things usually travel in groups."
Submitted by Elizabeth Baker, Los Angeles, Calif.

Second Place

"It's probably about time to take down the holiday decorations, honey."
Submitted by R. B. Niles, New York, N.Y.

Third Place

"Wanna build a snow tyrannosaurus?"
Submitted by Joseph Costanzo, Staten Island, N.Y.

Joel's:

"Yeah, of course it's unique, Harry.  All snowflakes are unique."

"I told you we were in for a big snow storm."

"See, that's why they call it 'climate change' rather than 'global warming.'"

"I'll pass on the snowball fight, man."

Contest #272 of 276, January 24, 2011

1. "I'm pregnant."

2. "I think we made a wrong turn at puberty."

3. "More legroom than I would have guessed."

Joel's:

"As long as they're living in my house, they follow my rules."

"Having designated drivers was a great idea, but next time let's make them different from the designated drinkers."

"Hey, don't litter.  It's illegal."

"I can't wait until the dog gets back from vacation.  This is the worst temp job ever."

Contest #269 of 276, January 3, 2011

First Place 

"I didn't get where I am by trying to please."

Second Place

"Let's keep this brief. I've got to get back to staring out the window."

Third Place

"This department has become loyal to a fault."

Joel's:
"Does anybody have any proposals besides chasing a tennis ball?"

"I know you don't like me.  I know you've never liked me.  I know I'm not one of you.  But I have a job to finish and I will not be chased out of here."

"It's settled then.  Rover will chair the next meeting.  Oh, and sorry, but the upholstery is a little scratched up."

Contest #267 of 276, December 13, 2010

First Place

"And some fresh flowers for the table."
Submitted by Barbara Milewski, Easton, Pa.

Second Place

"Separate checks, please."
Submitted by Cecilia Hogan, Tacoma, Wash.

Third Place

"You'll have to speak up."
Submitted by Kim Friese, Westlake, Ore.

Joel's:

"I'd like the fruit salad please.  It gives me hives."
"No, seriously, they are all wearing shirts and shoes."
"Just a small salad please.  Oh, and could you bring 628 extra plates?"
"No, you don't need to bring sweetener with my tea."

Contest #266 of 276, December 6, 2010

First Place 

"Careful, the water’s hard today."
  Don Symons, Santa Barbara, Calif.

Second Place

"There's a warm front coming through this afternoon."
Submitted by Van White, Anaheim

Third Place

"I started last summer when this was a pool."
Submitted by Lawrence Wackerman

Joel's:

"Mostly, I'm just here to help the people who get injured skating into my station."

Contest #265 of 276, November 29, 2010

First Place

"They only want the starter."
Submitted by Rosalind Sadleir
Gainesville, Fla.

Second Place

"The specials are coming out a little greasy."
Submitted by Mitch Wesley, Hamilton, Ohio

Third Place

"I have a request to see how the sausage is made."
Submitted by Walter Giles,Montclair, N.J.

 

Joel's:
"Please try to be more careful with the rest of them.  Some of the people out there are getting carsick."

"Remember, they want this one with less oil."

"I know you guys always do your best, but I thought you might want to know that the customer is a critic at Road and Track."